Muck Breaker

Rush Delivery

2010-03-25T10:56:00.007-04:00

by Candice Wu

When asked recently about where he’d receive his upcoming heart transplant if Congress passed health care reform, noted drug addict, Rush Limbaugh stated, “I don’t know. I’ll just tell you this, if this passes and it’s five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented—I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica.” That's a smart move given Costa Rica’s life expectancy surpasses that of the United States. And many hackey-sacking socialists — in the US and abroad — attribute this to Costa Rica's [gasp!] socialized medicine. In an effort to hold Rush to his half-thought, drug-addled proclamations, the website A Ticket for Rush has emerged to remind him of his soundbite'd promise.

A Ticket For Rush, celebrating its fourth day online, has already gathered over $2,500 for a one-way, first class plane ticket (and potentially living accommodations!) for the big boy to fly to Costa Rica. If Limbaugh turns down the ticket, all proceeds will go to his favorite organization, Planned Parenthood. Limbaugh, after grabbing hold of this news as if it were a bottle of OxyContin, announced that he’d need more than $1,400 for a bottle of wine on that baby-blood fueled plane. Hell, we may need to load up on even more wine to lower his blood pressure, since we don’t want his heart to give out before he experiences socialized health care.

Let El Rushbo know that you are so proud of his selflessness to contribute to a government-run health care system, or just remind him that's he a bloated, loud-mouthed reject, by emailing him at ElRushbo@eibnet.com.

Yes He Did

2010-03-24T10:21:00.005-04:00

In what is being hailed as a major victory for baby killers and commies, Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi were somehow able to pass the once thought dead health care legislation. The Health Care Reform bill, which was more than likely written in Kenyan, marks a tremendous victory for the first-term (Muslim) President, albeit one with significant political consequences.

For example, even though nationalized health care was first introduced by Richard Nixon and Bob Dole in 1974, modern day Republicans have railed against nearly every element of this bill and are promising swift political retribution for its passage. Few of these measures have worked, but House Republicans remain confident that the newest tactic, holding their breaths until Harry Reid is tarred and feathered, will pay handsome dividends.

The biggest loser in all of this is the American economy. With these sweeping socialist overhauls, there is almost no way that America's economy will be able to compete with those of China and Western Europe. In a way this bill will provide Americans with health care, but in another way it will provide Americans with a sickle and hammer. And before you know it, comrade, we'll all be living on communal farm factories, sustaining on trail mix and enhanced yogurts, singing songs of our Dear Leader in between 13-hour shifts in the fields.

The bottom line is that the government cannot and should not be trusted to do anything. Period. Ever. There's almost no historical example of them ever getting anything right. Health care will be no different. But don't take our word for it. Look for yourself. Take the bus down to the library and look through all those fancy books. And then come up with one - JUST ONE - example of them ever not being totally hopeless.

Massa Schism

2010-03-17T09:55:00.007-04:00

by Pugach

Last week a queer situation popped up involving a former New York Congressman. Eric Massa, who will be played by Joe Pesci in the upcoming FoxNews Movie of the Week, resigned amid allegations of groping and inappropriate horseplay among his male staffers. However, Massa contends that the main reasons for stepping down are his battle with non-Hodgkin Lymphoma, but more importantly a general sense of ‘go fuck yourself’ from House Democrats after Massa deviated and refused to vote along party lines on the Health Care Bill.

Allegations have surfaced that Mr. Massa is an avid snorkeler. And by 'snorkeling' we don't mean exploring a coral reef, but rather a Navy tradition wherein a seaman is held down while a scrotum is placed over his eyes to create the image of a snorkel. Reports that the Congressman also took part in the Reverse Cincinnati Bowtie have not been confirmed.

Naturally rumors began to fly. Were the Dems pushing this guy out? Was this guy pushing himself out? Massa sought to set the story straight before the American people could feel like he was pulling the proverbial woolly hair over their eyes. Needing an outlet, Massa decided to do what any good American would do, he headed into Fox News to go face to face with professional baby eater, Glenn Beck. What followed was one of the most jaw dropping hours of television in history. Massa went into long diatribes about “Caligula”-like traditions in the Navy, massive tickle fights and lewd texts amongst staff, even a story about a bare-assed Rahm Emanuel shoving his finger into Massa’s chest during a tense and steamy shower scene. Never before has a democracy so closely resembled the homoerotic bromances of Ancient Greece.

However, because this was Glenn Beck, the interview had to circle back to Health Care and how this was all a plot by the Democrats to muscle him out. But Massa would not bite. He went on with his nonsense, much to the dismay of Beck who was clearly shocked that he was not in the company of a like-minded individual that refused to fall in line with the President. And while this encounter didn't go the way either party scripted it, at least they have one thing in common: a good teabagging.

Patterson Will Not Run Again

2010-03-03T17:28:00.008-05:00

In a turn of events that he could not have possibly seen coming, New York Governor David Patterson won't seek re-election. Patterson has been plagued as of late with charges of corruption, cronyism and coercion.

Governor Patterson now has the unique distinction of being the guy who couldn't do a better job than the guy who had sex with high-priced hookers while his socks were still on.

When told of the news, similarly disgraced democratic governor Rod Blagojevich said, "Bro, we should get an apartment together... Maybe some kind of reality show or something."

Washington, D.C. Is Gay for the Gays

2010-03-03T16:52:00.005-05:00

Today, Washington, D.C. officially came out of the closet, handing out marriage licenses to all interested gay couples. By 9 a.m., there were 60 couples holding signs that read "Love Wins!", waiting to legally commit to one another. With this, D.C. joins Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, New Hampshire and Massachusetts in exhibiting common sense, as well as in extending decency to its citizens.

However, not everyone is so gay for the gays. Namely, the organization Catholic Charities has made it clear that they will not extend health insurance coverage to any new spouses of employees. This move is seen as an attempt to avoid paying health insurance for newly married gays.

When reached for comment, Catholic Charities said, "Why do you care so much about the gays, huh? Maybe YOU'RE gay too!"

More Like Bummer

2010-02-25T22:39:00.008-05:00

In what is a sure sign that we as a nation will be ordering arugula salads in French with our legs crossed sometime soon, iconic auto brand Hummer has ceased production. With Hummers no longer coming down the line, it is not clear how men will compensate for inadequacy. When reached for comment, an area man with E.D. said, "Hey! You should see how big my plasma is!"

The Hummer brand originated from military use, but enjoyed tremendous commercial success between the years of 1999 - 2005 in what is commonly referred to as America's "Go fuck yourself, environment, common sense and rest of the world" phase of consumer trends.

And while gender breakdowns were never applied in real-time market research, it is estimated that men enjoyed Hummers more than women. For most married couples, it is believed that getting a Hummer was typically more the husband's idea. And now - just like that - new Hummers are completely off the table.

Scott Brown Is Deducted 1,000 Sexy Points

2010-02-24T16:10:00.004-05:00

This week, silly Scott Brown actually voted for a piece of commie, left-wing, death panel "job creation" legislation and will therefore be stripped of his Sexy King of the Senate crown. The $15 billion piece of legislation aiming to create jobs passed the Senate by a vote of 70 - 28 with 12 other Republican Senators voting 'yea.'

Aside from no longer being "World Champion Sexy," Scott Brown must now also face the ire of his agitated electorate who expected him to obstruct every piece of Obama's agenda. If Mr. Brown has any hopes of getting re-elected, he must now construct a pipe bomb made from copies of "Atlas Shrugged" to be detonated at the nearest Planned Parenthood.

Re: Stack

2010-02-23T11:26:00.012-05:00

Last week Joe Stack gassed up his plane and flew it right smack into a federal office building in Austin, Texas. The impact killed Mr. Stack, as well as an employee of the IRS, while injuring over a dozen more. Mr. Stack left a 3,200 word manifesto online, vilifying the IRS and the complicated tax code, though hardly explaining why such drastic measures were needed.

So how come this joker hasn't been labeled a terrorist? Where are the mouth-breathing throngs of flag-waving 'Mericans calling this an act of terror on Obama's watch? For instance when the Crotch Bomber tried to blow up Detroit, conservatives went so far as to say Obama and Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano were asleep on the job. Yet, it seems the same critics that jumped on the Crotch Bomber story to decry Obama's national security credentials have now gone silent. Only this time, people - Americans - died. So what gives? Isn't our safety our safety? Aren't our enemies our enemies? Liberals say that because Mr. Stack personified the tenants of the Teabaggers, the conservatives aren't so keen on calling attention to the tragedy.

Truthfully, there could be any number of reasons for this. But let's be honest. Mr. Stack is white. And as we all know whites can't be Muslim, and therefore cannot perform acts of terrorism. That's in the Constitution, and, most likely, the Bible too.

Howard Zinn: 1922-2010

2010-01-31T21:24:00.009-05:00

Howard Zinn joined the Army during WWII to fight fascism. However, it was his work as an author, speaker, teacher and all around activist that really gave fascism a run for its money. Zinn's most notable work "A People's History of the United States" has sold millions of copies and replaced traditional textbooks in countless classrooms. He worked tirelessly for the cause of justice and truth from his days as a teacher in segregated Georgia to his opposition to the Iraq war. "There is no flag large enough to cover the shame of killing innocent people for a purpose which is unattainable."

On Wednesday, January 27, 2010, the world lost a great historian, and lovers of freedom and truth tipped their 40s out to the O.G. himself. For heaven's sake, there had better not be any bullshitters up there.

"You must not despair. If you are right, and you persist, things will change. The government may try to deceive the people, and the newspapers and television may do the same, but the truth has a way of coming out. The truth has a power greater than a hundred lies."

In Case You Missed It

2010-01-29T17:55:00.005-05:00

Going against two longheld First Amendment precedents, the Supreme Court ruled last week that the government may not ban or limit political spending by corporations in candidate elections. The court ruled 5-4 in favor of extending the First Amendment rights to corporations. The ruling should prove to benefit Republicans greatly as they tend to receive more corporate funding than their Democrat counterparts. But the Dems get more union money, which is also protected under this ruling. So it's not entirely one-sided.

President Obama called it “a major victory for big oil, Wall Street banks, health insurance companies and the other powerful interests that marshal their power every day in Washington to drown out the voices of everyday Americans.”

Whereas big oil, Wall Street banks, health insurance companies and other powerful interests called it "Freaking awesome!" They went on to say, "Justice may be blind, but pretty soon she's gonna have her clothes off, too. We're gonna make it rain up in here!"

Scott Brown Elected Sexy King of Senate

2010-01-20T10:28:00.001-05:00

The voters of Massachusetts asked Barack Obama yesterday if he liked apples. The President came all the way up to Boston to say, "I'm sorry. Could you repeat the question?" To which the voters of Massachusetts said, "Well, we just replaced your friend Teddy Kennedy with this naked guy. How do you like them apples?"

Scott Brown will be seated immediately. Upon arriving to Washington, he will be the 41st vote against health care. It is reported that he will also steal all our girlfriends.

Anderson Cooper: Not a Douchebag

2010-01-19T16:30:00.001-05:00

CNN reporter Anderson Cooper is in Haiti. And while filming near a food store a fight broke out, seriously injuring a young man. Anderson Cooper swooped in and brought the boy to safety.

This isn't a fairy tale. And the odds are that this kid, should he fully recover, will still have a pretty tough life in Haiti.... earthquakes or not. But, it is nice to see one image from this whole catastrope that isn't totally awful and void of any kind of hope. For more pictures and video, click here.

Team Haiti

2010-01-18T17:15:00.005-05:00

Last week things in Haiti went from bad to worse when a 7.3 magnitude earthquake rocked the nation. It is estimated that the death toll might reach 200,000. Secretary Clinton has traveled to the nation to survey the damage herself and President Obama has promised swift action.

Many Americans responded to the news of unimaginable tragedy (in an already tragic nation) by sending text messages to their service providers, pledging a few dollars. However, corruption and fiscal inefficiency have plagued these efforts (not to mention the corrupt pipelines already on the ground in Haiti). Even Wyclef Jean's foundation has been scandalized recently for skimming off the top and paying himself handsome administrative fees.

Noted douchebag Rush Limbaugh has taken to the airwaves citing the earthquake as a great opportunity for President Obama to court 'light-skinned and dark-skinned' African Americans. And Pat Robertson even suggested that the Haitians deserved this for the pact with Satan the Haitians made 200 years ago in exchange for ridding themselves of imperialist French rule. Yeah, no, hey, that makes sense.

Unfortunately, it doesn't end there. The presumably religious organization Faith Comes By Hearing has pledged 3,000(!) audio books of the Bible for the relief effort. Because who needs access to clean water when you've got Paul's Letter to the Thessalonians?

The situation in Haiti is awful. Despite the honest outpouring of goodwill, aid and supplies remain bottle necked due to rampant national corruption and lack of infrastructure. And as the already impoverished nation deals with the onslaught of impending disease and tremendous loss of human life, many are wondering how best to help. The inclination is to throw money at the problem. However, the problems in Haiti may be deeper than that, and very well may have existed long before the earthquake.

Obama's Step War

2010-01-18T17:08:00.006-05:00

Nobel Peace Prize winner Barack Obama has committed a stronger military presence in Afghanistan. (For those keeping score at home, that's one of the two wars he's currently waging.) Some major news outlets, namely Fox News and the Drudge Report have dubbed this "Obama's War."

However, that's not entirely fair. And therefore, we here at MuckBreaker suggest calling it Obama's Step War. It's his war and all cause he's the President. He's gonna be calling the shots. He's gonna be writing the checks... But, it ain't his.

The Crotch Bomber

2010-01-18T16:46:00.000-05:00

Last month, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab of Nigeria attempted to detonate a bomb in his underwear while traveling from Amsterdam to Detroit. Passengers quickly subdued the would-be terrorist and unquestionably saved many lives. The Obama Administration as well as the Department of Homeland Security gets a big fat goose egg on this for missing the warning signs, including the fact the guy's father contacted the State Department fearing his son was up to something shady.

But really, the joke's on Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. Detroit? Nobody cares about Detroit, man, especially not the American people. That is unless of course you are a factory building a shitty car nobody wants.

Detroit? Have you read a newspaper? Have you seen their abandonded train station? It looks like a hideout for a lesser Batman villian.

We can all agree that nobody cares about Detroit. However, we do take exception with his methods. Blowing it up is a little much, don't you think? Our plan was to let it wither away slowly with white flight and lack of federal funding. But to just blow it up? How savage.

DC Comes Out for the Gay

2009-12-15T19:15:00.006-05:00

The D.C. Council voted 11 to 2 today in favor of a bill that would legalize gay marriage. However, since D.C. exists in some political nether region more akin to Guam than any other parcel of the continental 48, the proposal must pass through 30 days of legislative review from the House, Senate and President before it can become law. Local church groups promise to completely spoil the party and fight this bill however they can.

The Catholic Church, by way of the local archdiocese, has gone a step further. And in an effort to be rendered completely irrelevant, has promised to cut off all social services to the District of Columbia, including homeless shelters and adoption services, if the bill becomes law. It's estimated that 68,000 people will be told to go fuck themselves by the Catholic Church if Adam and Steve get registered at Crate and Barrel.

And that makes sense. Cause if there's one thing Jesus Christ always said, it was: "Thou shall kick all homeless people to the curb if ever it becomes the will of the people to let two dudes get married. Orphans, too." It's in the Bible, people. Somewhere towards the back of the book. Look it up.

Connecticut Senator Opposes Health Care

2009-12-15T18:16:00.004-05:00

Connecticut Senator, and known virgin, Joseph Lieberman told Meet the Press this weekend that he would oppose health care legislation in its current incarnation. Lieberman, who has never had sexual intercourse, cites concerns over a Medicare buy-in as his primary objection to the lofty legislation. This news is especially jarring to Senate Democrats as Lieberman represented the prized '60th' vote to securing passage of the bill.

The only problem is 3 months ago Lieberman actually was in favor of the Medicare buy-in. "By allowing citizens who are not eligible for Medicare or Medicaid to buy in for a rate below the private market, the government can extend coverage to more of those who are currently uninsured," he said. The Senator then went on to say, "If only I could finally experience the loving touch of a woman, then maybe I could make good on my word and stop being such an insufferable douchetard."

Is Obama Getting Gay for the Gays?

2009-10-12T19:52:00.009-04:00

Last Saturday night, Barack Obama and the gays finally got a room together, as the President declared to 3,000 gathered at the annual Human Rights Campaign gala that he would end 'don't ask-don't tell.' He went on to say: "We should not be punishing patriotic Americans who have stepped forward to serve the country. We should be celebrating their willingness to step forward and show such courage ... especially when we are fighting two wars."

The President said he would support the gays, yet provided no timetable or guidelines for how this would happen. But he should. Because to be honest, Obama has sort of been a tease up until this point. He's courting the gays, but not really putting out... politically speaking.

The next afternoon in Washington, D.C. tens of thousands of gays, lesbians and supporters marched past the White House reminding the President of his promises, carrying signs and generally being fabulous on their way to the Capitol. The L.A. Times estimated 150,000 protesters took to the streets. While FoxNews reported: "What protest? War on Christmas! 9/11! 9/11!"

Barack Obama has a great opportunity to instill common sense into this debate and solidify his legacy as a champion of human rights and equality. Because in 40 years, intolerance towards gays is going to look pretty foolish. Some might say it already does.

No(bel) Big Deal

2009-10-09T14:20:00.001-04:00

How cool is Barack Obama? Barack Obama is so cool he wins Nobel Peace Prizes in his sleep... No seriously. The President was awoken around 6 a.m. this morning to the news he'd won the award. The President says he was both 'surprised' and 'deeply humbled' by the honor. Obama said he would accept the honor as “a call to action,” presumably for all Americans to get out there, roll up their sleeves and win their own Nobel Peace Prizes.

In a related story, the 44th President has also won the National League Cy Young, a Teen Choice Award, a pair of ESPYs, as well as a Best Supporting Actor nomination for "Where the Wild Things Are." Take that, Rio de Janerio!

Barack'd You Like a Hurricane?

2009-08-20T12:56:00.005-04:00

Earlier this week, our lord and savior Jesus Christ summoned up the powers of the sea and set in motion a great and vengeful storm, directing it towards the liberal shores of Martha's Vineyard. This wrath of frothy sea and unrelenting winds is due to descend upon Martha's Vineyard on or around the same time as noted granny killer and supposed "President" Barry Barack Obama arrives with his family.

When asked to comment, the voice of God bellowed deeply from the heavens, saying, "There is only one member of the true death panel!"

Oh No She Didn't!

2009-08-13T12:08:00.007-04:00

Representative Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX) hosted one of them fancy town hall parties all the other lawmakers get to throw. But things got boring for Sheila when it turned out all these "voters" only wanted to ask "questions." Luckily, the Congresswoman was spared a fate of irreparable boredom when her phone rang. But, instead of acting like a normal human being and ignoring it, she acted like a normal American and answered it. But, instead of saying "hold up, let me call you right back," she actually stayed on the phone.

Did she really disregard a constituent so blatantly? Did she really reinforce the stereotype of lawmakers being selfish fools who really only work to get themselves re-elected? Did she really just broadcast her own indifference on the most important issue in American politics?

Yes, in fact, she did.

Santorum in 2012?

2009-08-12T15:44:00.006-04:00

Defeated Senator and noted bigot, Rick Santorum is visiting Iowa today, fueling speculation he will run for President in 2012. You might remember Rick Santorum from when he was a Senator for Pennsylvania and he equated homosexuality with child molestation and bestiality in an interview. And while 2012 is a long ways away, we here at Muck Breaker are predicting a full on race riot/culture war, with the gays and blacks on one side and everyone else on the other, should Santorum somehow secure his party's nomination. (Attica! Attica!)

The gay community took their revenge on Santorum by reassigning his name to define something we don't feel comfortable typing out here, but fine linking to here. (Wow! Well done, gays.) In a weird way, we'd love to see him run (and lose). Because, Rick Santorum is a backwards human being who deserves all the ridicule and failure he's got coming to him.

To further illustrate this point, here is a picture of his daughter crying at his concession speech in 2006.

Miss Information

2009-08-11T18:37:00.009-04:00

One of the major roadblocks to the health care debate is misinformation. A large part of this lies squarely on the lawmakers themselves, many of whom have not even read the proposed bill. Really, guys? You each have a staff and office full of interns. We here at Muck Breaker know that your time is precious, what with being right smack in the middle of the Congressional softball season.

Couldn't you spare just a few days and peruse this thing? We know it's long, but if you could please read this thing, you could assuage one of the protesters main concerns... namely that you don't know what you're talking about and/or potentially voting on.

Another source of misinformation has come in the form of outside agitators. Former Governor, and noted moron, Sarah Palin has done wonders for this cause. Recently, Sarah Palin took a moment away from hunting wolves from helicopters and assured her legions of mouth breathing supporters that Obama's health care plan would include death panels. That's right, death panels.

She said, "The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s 'death panel.' Such a system is downright evil." It's worth noting that AARP, the nation's largest senior citizen advocacy group, has endorsed the hell out of this bill. But more importantly, death panels? Really, Sarah Palin? You've sauntered into the most important national debate and offered death panels?

Misinformation aside, there are 46 million uninsured Americans in this, the richest country on the planet. We're not here to say how to change this, but surely something must be done. And while dissent is welcome, lies and fear mongering is not.

Injuries Sustained at Health Care Townhalls Will NOT Be Covered Under Proposed Health Care Plan

2009-08-11T14:10:00.011-04:00

In town halls across the country, the debate over health care has gotten spirited. And by debate, we mean fight. And by spirited, we mean buck-ass wild. Let's open wide and take a look, shall we?

The Obama Administration wanted health care legislation passed before the August recess. Of course, that didn't happen. So with Congress on vacay until Labor Day, Dr. Barack has sent his lawmaking minions back to their home bases to sell his forced abortion, sex change, commie, freak out health care bill to the people. The obedient legislators have opened up the floor at town halls in their districts, looking to gauge voters' temperatures. And that's when things started getting weird.

As you might expect, some folks have trotted down to these events and spoken into the microphones before thinking, saying things like, "Get the government out of my Medicare!" But it's not just people in overalls and NASCAR hats, crying socialism. In some places, it's actually gotten violent. Fights have broken out. Lawmakers have been shouted down. Today in Pennsylvania, Arlen Specter was told what his eternal fate would be, and Kathy Castor had to have police escort her out of the building earlier this week in Florida.

And similar scenes of hostile constituents are meeting lawmakers elsewhere. Some legislators have decided to conduct their town halls over the phone, while others are avoiding them altogether. Because, like with health care issues, sometimes it's best just to avoid the problem.

Sotomayor Confirmed

2009-08-06T15:16:00.005-04:00

The Senate has just confirmed the nomination of Sonia Sotomayor by a vote of 68-31. Sotomayor will be the 111th person to sit on the Supreme Court, and the third woman justice.

For those of you scoring at home, 59 Democrats voted 'aye' as well as nine Republicans. Nine republicans who upon returning to the their home state might have some explaining to do.

Do You Have Any Idea How Busy I Am, Bill Clinton?!

2009-08-04T17:43:00.010-04:00

Four months ago, two American journalists wandered across the North Korean border from China in an effort to report on the refugee situation there. The two women, Laura Ling and Euna Lee, were sentenced to 12 years of hard labor for what the North Korean News Agency described as "illegally intruding" the country. And if you've never perused the North Korean News Agency's website, do yourself a favor and check it out here.

But then earlier this week, Bill Clinton stepped in. Perhaps, he was helping Hillary with matters of State. Perhaps, he was trying to take control of his legacy. Or Perhaps, Bill Clinton sensed there were women in North Korea that needed him. Whatever his motivations, he was moved to act.

So with the blessing of President Obama, and presumably Hillary, ol' Bubba was on a jet plane to North Korea to see about getting some leniency. Upon arriving Clinton met with aspiring filmmaker, and occasional tyrant, Kim Jong Il, and within a few hours, secured the women's release.

There are still a LOT of questions to be answered here. It's not clear how or when these women were captured, (or how their producer slipped away). It's not clear how exactly Clinton made this happen. It's not clear what sort of precedent this trip will set with regard to dealing with the rogue state in the future, especially on the matter of nuclear weapons. But one thing is clear: a little girl was reunited with her mother today. And Bill Clinton made it all happen.

Furthermore, free flowing information, and those who promote it, found in Bill Clinton, of all people, its greatest champion since that Iraqi reporter who threw his shoes at Bush.

Happy Birthday, Liar!

2009-08-04T13:58:00.009-04:00

On this day in 1961, secret Muslim, elitist, cigarette-smoking, communist President Barry Barack Hussein Obama was allegedly "born." So called "certificates" and "documents" supposedly "prove" that this "birth" took place in Hawaii. And these "official records" are further verified by the state "of" Hawaii and the Republican Governor "Linda " Lingle.

But, is a certified birth certificate endorsed by a sitting Governor from the opposite political party good enough to prove that B. HUSSEIN Obama was born at all, let alone in America? According to a group of mouth-breathing, inbred, sore-losing, ignorant bigots, or "birthers," the answer is no. In their twisted, gin-soaked minds, the President is ducking the issue by NOT going door-to-door with his birth certificate and/or forwarding the YouTube video of his slick infant head traveling through his mother's birth canal.

After all, the practice of sitting Presidents providing their birth certificate on demand to a small, half-literate, ultimately insignificant faction of the losing party dates back to... well, never. Regardless, this bloc of 'Mericans contend that since there is no proof (except for the aforementioned authenticated birth certificate) that Barry is a citizen, his (landslide) election was illegitimate, and therefore he should be stripped of his office. "We want," the birthers go on to say at any townhall, NASCAR event, or blog comment section, "our country back!"

The Professor, The Cop, and The President

2009-07-29T16:28:00.008-04:00

Recently, Harvard professor Henry Louis "Skip" Gates was locked out of his home in Cambridge, Mass., and forced his way in. A neighbor, seeing a black man break into a home, caught fright, and dialed 911. The officer, Sgt. James Crowley, arrived on the scene and asked for Skip's identification. Tempers (and egos) flared between Gates and Crowley, with reports that Gates might have mentioned Crowley's "mama."

Here's what's wrong with what is being dubbed by this blog as Henry Louis Gates-Gate. First off, a man got arrested in his own home. That shouldn't happen. Secondly, Gates shouldn't bring up a cop's mama. That's just dumb. But it wasn't just any black guy put in cuffs. It's Skip Gates. The guy is one of the most prominent voices on race relations in America. So naturally the cop was portrayed as racist by the court of public opinion, and as stupid.... by the President of the United States.... on national TV.

Sgt. Crowley's job is to diffuse situations like these, not take part in them. He should have put his ego aside and sought out the facts, rather than hauling off a 60-year-old Harvard professor to jail. But he's not a racist. In fact, he teaches racial sensitivity courses to the Cambridge Police Department. Boston, and her police force, have a checkered past when it comes to race relations. But not Sgt. Crowley.

So the leader of the free world, Barry Barack Obama, realizing the error of his ways (and words), did what most adults should do in these types of situations. He called Crowley up, expressed regret over his choice of words and invited the guy, along with Gates, to the White House to discuss it over a beer. That's pretty cool. Obama came right down into the fray of Henry Louis Gates Gate, and settled it like a leader should. He said let's talk.

And hey, look. That's cool, Barack. You're aiming to squash this. But why in the hell is the tempest in a teacup even on your agenda? Isn't there still health care, the economy, the environment, Pakistan's nuclear weapons falling into the hands of al-qaeda to worry about? Isn't your dance card already a little full, Barack? I can't imagine you would have much free time to settle, let alone even get involved, in such a minor incident. But, if you've got the time, cheers, my man.

i-quit-arod

2009-07-28T17:28:00.003-04:00

Sarah Palin officially ceded power this weekend to Lt. Governor Sean Parnell. She will write a book and probably be on Hannity twice a month. Her speech was typical Palin, in that it was both rambling and incoherent. She mentioned rivers being carved and blooming fireweed. We here at MuckBreaker would have liked her to use a few more vapid sports metaphors, but we'll take what we can get. Palin also took the opportunity to take some parting shots at the media. Maybe the most notable remark being, "How about, in honor of the American soldier, you quit makin' things up?"

As a wonky blog, that is in no way an official member of the media, we here at MuckBreaker would just like to say, "Oh shut the fuck up, Sarah Palin!" The troops aren't fighting to keep stories of your pregnant daughter out of the press. They are fighting because Bush and Cheney were "makin' things up." Can you say an accurate thing once? You can't just open your mouth and let words fall out, and get away with it by invoking mob mentality, employing catch-phraserey, and winking a ton..... Oh no wait. Yeah, you totally can do that. After all, this is America. For a moment there, we almost forgot.

Brother, Can You Spare Some WD-40?

2009-07-14T11:51:00.006-04:00

Japan, home to the largest fleet of robots, is letting its machines go idle in the wake of the economic downturn. Demands for robots, both for enjoyment and for serious, have dramatically declined, and the industry may be set back years as a result.

Nearly a quarter of Japan's population is 65 or older. Robots were going to take care of the elderly, keeping an eye on them, looking at cruise pictures and otherwise listening to stories that go nowhere like only a robot can. So now, not only do the Japanese have to deal with their elderly family members, but they also have to deal with an economically unviable workforce, which is made almost entirely of metal.

It's too early to tell, but could this gang of laid-off robots affect us here in America? Will the lack of economic opportunities for these robots usher in the era of cyborg-terrorism we've all been waiting for? Can a population of steel thugs, who cannot feel real human emotion, harm me and the ones I love? Is Barack Obama to blame?

The answers to all of these questions, unfortunately, is yes.

Palin Quits

2009-07-03T17:31:00.007-04:00

Sarah Palin abruptly resigned from office today. She will stay on until the end of the month and transfer power, presumably peacefully, to Lt. Governor Sean Parnell. Her speech was typical Palin: rambling, without substance, and with a dash of sports metaphor sprinkled in for good measure. She kept saying over and over again that she didn't want to waste taxpayer money or play politics as usual. She also stated that she could make a greater difference to the children outside of politics.

Palin picked a really slow news today to make this announcement. Before today, many thought the smart money was on Palin gunning for a 2012 GOP bid for President. (Because, losing VPs have been so very successful in their own bids for the high office.) But leaving office early like this doesn't really reflect well on her aspirations for higher offices, and the responsibilities therein. Palin, usually a more than capable public speaker, spoke nervously in her press conference, at times as though she were out of breath.

Is there a scandal here? Because, something about this smells fishy. Palin's bid for VP was riddled with scandals, but none large enough to derail her. If there is something sketchy behind this, it would have to be pretty juicy to take her from office now. Given the timing of this, she more than likely had a hand in the untimely death of Michael Jackson. And while clearly, that's not the case, imagine if it were?

It could just be that Sarah's not getting enough attention up there in Wasilla. Maybe Palin got a taste of the spotlight last year. And maybe, just maybe, momma like. If that is the case, you can expect a book deal, speaking tour and 10 p.m. slot on FoxNews in the near future. Whatever she does next, we here at MuckBreaker would be shocked if we've seen the last of Governor Palin.

It's Official

2009-07-03T17:15:00.003-04:00

Today, months after so called "elections" and "inaugurations," Barack Obama has officially become the 44th President of the United States. Because today, the Hall of Presidents at Disney World's Magic Kingdom installed their Barack Obama robot.

It would be interesting to see what Disney does when America elects her first robot President. Will they make a human stay in the Hall depicting a robot? Early reports indicate yeah, probably.

News in Briefs

2009-06-30T17:46:00.003-04:00

A little over a week ago, word leaked that Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina was missing. And actually, it wasn't leaked, it came out directly, from his wife. She said he was off hiking the Appalachian Trail (is that what the kids are calling it these days?) in hopes to get some writing done. Except, he wasn't on the Appalachian Trail. He was on some lady's happy trail, down Buenos Aires way. And last week, the American public was treated to another political scandal involving a once-sanctimonious politician, now caught with his pants around his ankles.

Governor Sanford was last in the news when he refused to take federal stimulus money earlier in the year. This makes sense, politically, as the Governor was spending state money to travel down to Argentina to see his mistress. Plus, he probably wanted to avoid all those adultery/stimulus jokes. Hi-yo!

Senator Franken

2009-06-30T17:22:00.005-04:00

Today, nearly eight months after the November 4th elections, Al Franken is good enough and smart enough to be declared the god darn winner of the hotly contended Minnesota Senate race. It's only cost a couple of million dollars in legal fees, and a couple of months of the legislative calendar, but Minnesota now has her second senator. Republican Norm Coleman conceded his seat to a guy with almost zero political experience, who used to write for SNL.... and that's.... ok.

This victory further slides the legislative balance of power to the left with yet another pot-smoking, hackey-sacking, liberal Senator going to Washington, ready to rubberstamp Barack Obama's hippie, communist, secret Muslim agenda.

Neda Agha-Soltan

2009-06-26T15:41:00.008-04:00

Recently, Iran held presidential elections, and, let's just say things didn't go so well. Rumors of corruption ran rampant, and the people took to the streets. The Ayatollah and the Guardian Council promised to look into these claims of injustice. And after a few days of investigating, determined there very well may have been something sketchy going on. The rulers of Iran also determined, however, that its citizens should shut up about it already, and quit with all the protesting.

But of course, this did not happen. The people took to the streets and protested with renewed vigor and determination. Reports of violent clashes emerged from Iran, (thanks to Twitter of all things). And while the violence was condemned the world over, it took on an entirely more personal tone when the world heard the story of Neda Agha-Soltan.

Neda Agha-Soltan, 27, studied Islamic philosophy at Azad University, and studied singing privately. Prior to the election, Neda was not considered very political. She was engaged to be married. But in the face of the recent election, she herself took to the streets to protest. At around 6 p.m. she began to walk towards Kargar Avenue in Tehran. While observing the mass protests she was allegedly targeted and shot in the chest by plain-clothes Basij paramilitaries.

It's important to know that Neda was not the first protest-related death in Iran in the last couple of days. What sets Neda's story apart is that her death was caught on video. And her death, thanks to social networking sites such as YouTube and Twitter, was broadcast and seen all around the world, almost instantly. It's amazing that a futile time waste of a website like Twitter could actually be making a difference in the world. But it is.

And now with a quick search on Google you too can watch this young woman's grizzly demise. You too can see the struggle of the Iranian people played out on this young woman's dying face. You too can watch her eyes look to the camera one last time, begging someone, anyone to take notice, to take action, and then in a moment, expire. You too can witness martyrdom in action.

Koreally?!

2009-06-25T14:44:00.006-04:00

Ruthless tyrant and aspiring filmmaker, Kim Jong Il apparently isn't getting enough attention up there in Pyongyang. And as any emotionally stunted moron with a nuclear arsenal and an inferiority complex would do, he's promised to annihilate the United States next week on the 4th of July.

Here's the story. The Koreans are rumored to be shipping arms to Myanmar. But because of the underground nuclear tests the rogue state conducted earlier in the year, they are now subject to sanctions. The ship in question, Kang Nam, is being trailed by a Navy destroyer, the USS John McCain (wait - really?). If the ship is boarded, the North Koreans will view this is an act of war. "If the U.S. imperialists start another war, the army and people of Korea will ... wipe out the aggressors on the globe once and for all," the official Korean Central News Agency said.

The word is that Kim wants to nuke Hawaii on the 4th of July, possibly because it's his dad's birthday, or because of the significance of the holiday here, or maybe because Barack is from Hawaii. But the joke's on you, Kim. Barack Obama's a secret Muslim who isn't even from America. Still, as a precautionary measure, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates has sent ships out to the Pacific just in case Kim Jong Il does in fact have a death wish.

Our Bad!

2009-06-19T12:06:00.009-04:00

Yesterday, the United States Senate, acting about 400 years too late, formally apologized to African Americans for slavery and Jim Crow. Maybe, they realized that the Obama guy was black, or maybe someone told them that the very chamber they were sitting and legislating in was built by slaves. But in any event, Congress took a look at the history of forced capture, indentured service, cultural genocide, sexual perversions, selective breeding techniques, torture, lynching, segregation, and hell maybe even those mean-ass dogs they used to use in the 50s and 60s, and sheepishly said, "we're sorry."

Maybe next we could acknowledge that utilizing a free labor force for 300 years was what gave us that "American ingenuity" we hear about all the time. Maybe we can stop deluding ourselves into thinking that "can-do" spirit is anything more than not paying dudes to toil in the fields for a couple of centuries. Hell, maybe we could even stop calling Elvis the King of Rock and Roll, and thank blacks for creating our nation's signature art form.

Oh hey, and this is crazy, but what if we kept going on this whole tip. We could apologize to the Chinese for forcing them to make our railroads. We could apologize to Mexico for grabbing half of their country, and then acting pissed when they try to cross the border back in.

We could even apologize to the Native Americans for that whole systematic, continent-wide killing spree we went on at their expense.... Nah! I'm just kidding. Fuck those guys! Am I right?

And Iran... Iran's So Far Away

2009-06-19T11:21:00.007-04:00

Last week, Iran held national elections with newcomer Mir Hossein Mousavi taking on incumbent funny man Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Ahmadinejad defeated Mousavi amid outcries of scandal and wrongdoing. Critics point to the fact that Mousavi didn't even carry his own home town, and that Ahmadinejad got more votes this time than he did in the last election, despite this being a hotly contested battle. And one prominent website in Iran purports that some 10 million votes were missing national identification numbers.

In the days since the election, Mousavi's supporters, feeling disenfranchised and cheated, have taken to the streets in what seems to be verging on the edge of anarchy. Ahmadinejad claims this is a product of the Western media ginning up trouble as usual. And hell, that could be true. But there certainly seem to be a lot of people in those pictures.

Oh and here's the other thing. These protests are illegal in Iran. It is suspected that as many as 8 people have died in the aftermath of the election. And what's really crazy is that even with 8 dead, the government has not really even begun to crack down on the protests. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the guy who actually runs the country, has for the most part turned a blind eye to the protest while he "reviewed" the election results.

That was until today. In his first public response to days of protests, Iran’s supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, sternly warned the protesters to stay off the streets and denied opposition claims that last week’s disputed election was rigged, praising the ballot as an "epic moment that became a historic moment." He went on to say, that the opposition leaders would be "held responsible for chaos."

Hey, good for you, Iran! You showed a glimmer of democratic reform and then let old beardo Khamenei stomp it out. You had a moment to defy the world's perceptions of you and instead crumbled under the weight of your own stereotype. Oh and another thing, Iran. Don't give us a hard time for meddling, ok? If anybody knows a thing or two about religious fanatics stealing elections, it's us, ok?

Sotomayor

2009-06-16T14:38:00.005-04:00

With the retirement of David Souter, Barack Obama has appointed Sonia Sotomayor to replace him on the bench. If confirmed, Sotomayor would be only the third women on the high court, and the first Latino. Her legal career aside, Sotomayor's life tells an exceptional story, growing up in a Bronx housing project without a father. And apparently, she's also a racist.

That is according to Newt Gingrich, who took this quote and deemed the judge unfit for confirmation: "I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experience would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn't lived that life." This very well could be a racist comment. If a white man made this statement in reverse, as Gingrich pointed out via Twitter, they would probably face a public uproar. Gingrich himself withdrew his comments, ceding no doubt to the fact that a woman with no father who grew up in the ghetto might have a perspective that a rich, white guy may not. In any event, someone should tell Sotomayor that SCOTUS is almost entirely made up of these "white males." She might have some explaining to do.

And in a, quite literally, breaking development, Sotomayor broke her ankle last week in an airport. This may appear to be an isolated incident, but to the shrewd political observer this is just another calculating move by Barack Obama, who clearly arranged for the "accident" just weeks before her nomination goes to the Hill. Some in Congress might deny the confirmation of America's first Latina justice. But NOBODY would deny a woman in crutches. Well played, Barry. Well played.

Anniversaries: Tienanmen

2009-06-04T17:24:00.007-04:00

Twenty years ago today, a young man made history by standing in front of an on-coming tank in Tienanmen Square. The tank tried to go around him and he stepped in front of it again. This moment remains as the quintessential image of a horrific chapter in China's recent history, where (at least) hundreds lost their lives, and democracy took a giant step backwards. Nobody knows what happened to the kid in front of the tank, but the image remains.

And so today, on the 20 year anniversary of this horrible day, China shut down a number of websites, including, Twitter, Hotmail and Flickr. (YouTube has been down since March.) And in an act of political suppression that would make Mary Poppins proud, they've dispatched a number of undercover police officers... with umbrellas. No. Seriously. Umbrellas. Whenever a foreign reporter tries to broadcast from the square today, a group of umbrella-wielding goons block out the shot.

Say what you want about the bullshit ways America commemorates 9/11, but at least we are allowed to talk about it. At least we can discuss and dissent and speculate. The next time you think this government is fascist, go ahead over to China's google.cn and type in Tiananmen Massacre. Sure, you get a few hits, but nothing even remotely resembling that awful event, or for that matter, the truth.

When Barry Was in Egypt Land

2009-06-04T15:56:00.005-04:00

This morning at the University of Cairo, President Obama addressed the Muslim world. He took the stage, praised the accomplishments of Islamic culture and looked to bridge their divide with the West. He mentioned his own connections to Islam, (as in he secretly is one!!!). Obama pointed out that while not all Muslims can be viewed the same, neither can all Americans. What's really crazy about this speech was how Obama never used the word "terror" or "evil" or the phrase "with us or against us." He talked like an adult speaking to other adults.

Obama even talked about the pesky little issue of Israel, and the two-nation state, all the while deploring violence as a means toward "moral authority." He insisted that the United States would say in public what it said in private, finally bringing to light the notion that most in Washington empathize with the Palestinian plight, but fear the political backlash of saying so publicly. Obama even spoke about Iran, tossing out a big old "my bad" for the 1953 coup. The guy even quoted the Ko'ran.

But what made this a landmark speech for the Obama administration was because he spoke calmly, maturely, rationally and intelligently. What remains to be seen is how this speech will be received by the citizens of the region. What goes without saying is that he couldn't have done any worse than the last guy, and this is certainly a step in the right direction.

What in the World to Do With Waterboarding?

2009-05-05T21:41:00.007-04:00

President Obama has acted quickly to undo the legacy of the previous administration with regard to the treatment of prisoners/enemy combatants at Guantanamo Bay and other facilities. Obama almost immediately shut down Gitmo and has since repudiated the notorious interrogation technique of waterboarding. At his press conference last week, President Obama was quoted as saying, 'I believe waterboarding was torture, and it was a mistake.' Well that settles that. Only no it doesn't.

It's nice that Barry admitted to this. It's nice that he stood up to the country and to the world, and said, "You know what? Our bad." But, now that we've admitted to waterboarding, we've also admitted to taking a dump on the Geneva Convention. And in owning up to that, we must now deal with the ramifications of harboring obvious war criminals, who go by the names of Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld. This threesome of unprecedented douchebaggery knew exactly what they were doing. They surrounded themselves with legal experts who justified their agenda, and when, at times, this couldn't be found, they acted anyway. They had little to no regard for justice or decency, and, despite their intentions to do the opposite, have actually left America much less safer. But what can you do with them now?

One obvious answer would be to waterboard them, or at least make them stand trial. Trot those twats up in front of a jury of their peers and make them stand accused. The trouble with this, besides it being highly unlikely, is two-fold. First, the political backlash from going after a former President could bring an unholy shitstorm down on Obama that would make Monica Lewinsky look like a walk in the park. Republicans would line up to take a crack at bringing down this administration for the next 3-7 years. Of course, the problem Obama faces by not pursuing some sort of reparation is the backlash from his own party for not going after such obvious war criminals. Secondly, the Obama administration would expend its energy and political capital on the sins of the past, rather than on the problems of the present and the future. Many would argue our time and resources should be directed toward more important obstacles. But, in any event, it doesn't leave Obama with an easy decision.

And while we here at Muck Breaker won't go so far as to say what should be done practically with these criminals, we will say, that on a 'you get what's coming to you' scale of justice, these three should be first against the wall.

Getting Gay in Iowa, Vermont and DC

2009-05-05T20:26:00.005-04:00

Long before the volleyball scene from Top Gun, "the gay" has threatened to infiltrate the very fabric of our society. This movement took a step backwards with the passage of the controversial Proposition 8. It seemed the same get out the vote campaign which brought voters to the polls (nh) for Obama, also helped pull the gay out of California. Who could have seen that coming? For as this blog pointed out, in error:

California can't outlaw the gay. California is the gay. Isn't the state flag of California a picture of two gays with an adopted Asian baby?

But of course, Prop 8 did pass. And while the left was thrilled with the election of Obama, it remained scratching their heads at the passage of this fear-based legislation.

But then Iowa continued to challenge the rest of the nation's preconceptions of the Hawkeye State, and officially legalized the gay on April 3. Later that week, Vermont got gay, too, with DC following a short while after that. And with measures being voted on in New Hampshire, Maine and New York, those closet-cases Rhode Island and Connecticut don't stand a chance. It's only a matter of time before the gay reaches around to them, too.

However, maybe the most interesting development to the already stiff gay-rights movement was the recently published study, which suggested that attitudes toward the gay differ with generations. So basically, as soon as the all of the old intolerants pass away, the gay will be free to prance from sea to shining sea.

But, as the study surely went on to suggest, even some of the young folks will forever remain ignorant. This is, after all, still America.

Do You Get It?!

2009-02-27T13:10:00.005-05:00

The mayor of Los Alamitos, CA, Dean Grose sent around an email of the following picture with a caption that read: No Easter Egg Hunt This Year. Not surprisingly, Mayor Grose has caught a lot of flack over this brouhaha and will resign his Mayordom sometime soon.

Wait. Why? Because it's funny. In response to all these crazy calls of him being a dumbshit bigot, Mayor Grose had this to say: "Bottom line is, we laugh at things." Right. Like racism, for example. Don't you get it? Here's a quick math equation to help some of you numbskulls out there who don't understand comedy: watermelons + White House + black president + racist pricks knowing how to attach a picture in an email = really, really funny! In fact, everyone should email Dean Grose and tell him how funny it is. dgrose@ci.los-alamitos.ca.us

Oh, and Rod Blagojevich called. He said your hair makes you look like a douchebag.

Represent!

2009-02-26T17:41:00.005-05:00

The previously good-for-nothing U.S. Senate has today passed the D.C. Voting Rights Bill, by a vote of 61-37. District resident have been getting taxed, and drafted into wars, and held subject to the Supreme Court's rulings on gun laws, all without so much as a vote in Congress. Now finally, after only 200 years or so, representational democracy has found its way to the nation's capital. The nearly 600,000 American citizens will now get some representation to go with their aforementioned taxation.

License plates must now be changed. And plans for a Potomac Tea Party must unfortunately be canceled.

USA! USA!

The Right to Bare Arms

2009-02-25T16:11:00.005-05:00

Michelle Obama was in attendance last night, watching her husband's speech from the gallery. She braved the brick-ass cold of Washington, DC in February, donning a sleeveless blouse, in which she looked absolutely stunning. Mrs. Obama has said in the past that she is far too serious to flaunt her chest or legs, so her arms, therefore, are usually on display. And last night Michelle took every opportunity to show off these guns with thinly veiled "clapping" and "waving."

We here at Muck Breaker, would like to say the following to the First Lady: Damn, girl.

State of the Union

2009-02-25T15:34:00.011-05:00

Last night, President Barry Barack Obama spoke before a joint session of Congress, in what could be billed as a 'sort of' State of the Union, or SOSOTU. Obama took to the podium and promised Americans that "we will rebuild."

Obama talked about health care, saying: "Let there be no doubt: health care reform cannot wait, it must not wait, and it will not wait another year." He urged the Congress to also act quickly on the environment and energy. He gave notice to highfalutin CEO's, saying: "This time, C.E.O.’s won’t be able to use taxpayer money to pad their paychecks or buy fancy drapes or disappear on a private jet. Those days are over.” And he even made time to pat himself on passing of the bailout and the closing of Guantanamo. While the pageantry may have outweighed the substance, he still did a pretty good job.

Then a few minutes later Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal took to the airwaves for the GOP rebuttal. Bobby Jindal is a possible candidate for 2012, and had an opportunity Tuesday night to garner some national face time. The governor's speech struck a controversial tone, when he proclaimed that Americans can "do" "anything." Not surprisingly, Jindal's speech was not terribly well received this morning, with opponents calling it too hokie, and a little reminiscent of Kenneth from 30 Rock. His supporters noted that it was a hard task to follow up Obama's first State of the Union.

Jindal himself was unavailable today for comment, however, as he was riding a unicorn down to 9th ward, where he planned to rebuild the broken levies with rainbows made from his farts.

Nation of Cowards

2009-02-19T16:12:00.008-05:00

Yesterday, Eric Holder, the country's first African-American attorney general, called America 'a nation of cowards' when discussing race. To which, Americans might have responded, after first looking over the shoulder to see who was around, 'What else do these people want?' We already voted one of them into office!

After all, racism is dead! And it's been dead for almost 4 months now. Apparently, Holder didn't get the memo. Hell, it's been over ten years since a man was lynched in this country, and almost 4 years since New Orleans drowned. Get with the program, bro!

Northern Exposure

2009-02-19T15:22:00.004-05:00

Barack Obama is in Ottawa meeting today with Canadian Prime Minister... um... I have no idea who the Prime Minister of Canada is.

It turns out his name is Stephen Harper. That's adorable! Who knew? (Presumably, people from Canada.) Honestly, this guy could walk into my office, and I would have no idea that he was a world leader, let alone Canadian. (Which is why no Canadians can be trusted, but that's a rant for another post.)

Aside from the press conference, reports are hazy on how the two leaders will spend their time together. Though it's probably safe to say that at some point the two men will play hockey with Mike Myers and Feist.

Rumsfeld Rides the Bus

2009-02-19T14:52:00.004-05:00

Rumors have been circulating for weeks now that former Secretary of Defense, and all around squinty-eyed twat, Donald Rumsfeld has been seen riding the 42 bus in Washington, DC. It's good to know that Uncle Rummy is still kicking around with at least $1.35 in walking around money. But could this rumor be true?

The answer is yes. Yesterday, we here at Muck Breaker recieved an email from arguably our most beautiful reader, stating: DUDE I SAW DON RUMSFELD ON THE BUS THIS MORNING. No one believes me but I know it was him. Is that even possible? We made eye contact. I am totally thrown.

I've ridden the 42. It sucks. While, I'd rather see Uncle Rummy on the slow boat to hell, I can still get a kick out of him this way. It's no wheelchair, but I suppose it'll do.

In Withdrawal

2009-02-03T14:09:00.006-05:00

Tom Dashchle has withdrawn his nomination to lead the Health and Human Services Department. It seems the former Senator "forgot" to pay over $100,000 in "taxes." He cited the discrepancy as an honest mistake, but refused to call it an excuse. This news came only hours after Nancy Killefer, who had been the nominee for a new White House oversight position, withdrew her nomination for her own tax issues.

Other Black Guy to Head Other Party

2009-01-30T16:08:00.005-05:00

Not to be outdone by Barack Obama's success (and blackness), the Republican Party has chosen Michael Steele to lead the GOP. Steele's victory is in large part due to his willingness to do battle on cable news. For many, this victory marks a departure from the far-right fringes of the party running the show.

And just about everyone can agree, that as far as black republicans go, Steele is a far better option than that windbag, Alan Keyes.

Here's Looking at Shoe - Part 2

2009-01-30T14:15:00.008-05:00

Remember Muntadar al-Zaidi? No? Ok. Remember that Iraqi journalist who threw his shoe at President Bush during a press conference in December? Yeah. Now you got it.

Well, apparently, when he hurled his size 10 shoe at W, he shouted, "This is for the orphans and widows!" As a result, an orphanage in Tikrit, Iraq has erected a six-foot bronze statue of a shoe in honor of the jailed, presumably one-shoed, journalist.

Meanwhile, Muntadar al-Zaidi is still in jail. He did recently celebrate his 30th birthday, however. But instead of birthday cake and candles, he more than likely had a car battery connected to his genitals, while being waterboarded.

Oh Blago

2009-01-30T13:17:00.006-05:00

Yesterday, America's Governor, Rod Blagojevich was unanimously removed from office by a vote of 59 to 0. Blagojevich delivered his closing arguements by calling for the impeachment of Ted Kennedy, John McCain and Rahm Emanuel. Then, according to reports that don't exist, Mr. Blagojevich ran his fingers through his awesome hair and shouted, "ATTICA! ATTICA!" According to 'real' reports, the governor responded to the news of his removal by saying he planned to go for a jog in the snow.

Blago, please don't go away.

Where My Ladies At?

2009-01-30T12:56:00.006-05:00

President Barack Obama signed into law a bill yesterday aimed at making it easier for people to pursue pay-discrimination claims. Also known as the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, this law will, "send a clear message that making our economy work means making sure it works for everybody." Later in the Day, Obama promised to try that Activia yogurt everyone keeps talking about, and watch at least one episode of "Gossip Girl."

You go (to work), girls

Guantanmo Bay to Close

2009-01-22T16:50:00.008-05:00

In one of his first major acts as President, Barack Obama has agreed to close Guantanamo Bay Detention Center. Obama acted quickly in his first week, moving to shut down the controversial prison, making good on a recurring promise from his campaign. Humanitarian groups have decried Gitmo since shortly after it opened. And with the stroke of Obama's pen, this issue has finally been put to bed, and settled forever. We'll never have to think about Guantanamo Bay Detention Center, or "Gitmo," ever again.

Except not at all. Shortly after Obama signed this executive order, the NY Times reported about one Said Ali al-Shihri. Said Ali al-Shihri was a prisoner freed from Guantanamo, who is now a deputy leader of al-qaeda's Yemeni branch. Of course this is what happened. After all, Gitmo wasn't exactly the Hilton. Hell, put me in an orange jumpsuit, and trot me around the hot Cuban sun for six or seven years, and I'm liable to start changing, "Death to America" too.

Obama, however, didn't really have much choice in the matter. Gitmo was a taint on America's values and image abroad. It had to be shut down. It cannot, however, be forgotten. Nor can the detainees simply be set free. As Senator Carl Levin, Democrat of Michigan said last week that Guantánamo detainees who were moved to the United States “should be held at maximum-security federal facilities wherever they are available.”

It appears the legacy of Gitmo will unfortunately remain with us for a very long time. It seems the same can be said for its prisoners.

Madame Secretary

2009-01-22T11:51:00.007-05:00

In what should come as no surprise, Hillary Clinton was confirmed as 67th Secretary of State yesterday by a vote of 94-2. Hillary brings with her a wealth of experience and knowledge, as well as a testicular fortitude not found on the job since Madeleine Albright. This pick also illustrates another example of President Obama's willingness to surround himself with a cabinet of rivals who will challenge his way of thinking.

It makes sense that Obama would keep Clinton close to him. It keeps her (and Bill) satisfied, and it also removes her as a possible dissenting voice in the Senate. However, Obama distinguished himself from Clinton during the primaries solely on the matter of the Iraq War, and where each stood before troops were sent in. In other words, the only difference between Clinton and Obama was foreign policy, and now he's chosen her for the highest foreign policy post in the country.

Who? Us?

2009-01-21T16:36:00.009-05:00

Obama's speech yesterday on the steps of the Capitol wasn't necessarily his best speech. And it was by no means his longest, coming in at about 20 minutes. In many ways, it was atypical of the style we've come to expect from Obama. It wasn't lofty or even hopeful. It was realistic, and at times grim, stating plainly the challenges we as Americans will face in the coming years. In his inaugural address, Barack Obama implored the American people to take ownership of our own fates, ushering in what he called 'a new era of responsibility.'

This was a bold move for Barack. He's usually all 'hope' this and 'yes we can' that. This was a touch more fire and brimstone, dabbled with a call for pulling up of bootstraps. But he might be onto something. Because, apparently we as a nation are screwed. We are in two wars right now. Our economy has gone to shit. Our healthcare system is a joke. And the environment required immediate action 10 years ago.

Ok, so maybe the new President is right. Maybe we are screwed. But he wants us to take responsibility? He wants us to do something? Slow down, new guy. You do know who just left office, right? The last guy told us a week after 9/11 to return to shopping malls and theme parks; to go about our normal lives. There were no victory gardens in George Bush's America. Asking citizens to sacrifice during times of great national crisis is really more of a 1940s thing.

Let's not get too ahead of ourselves here.

Beat It!

2009-01-21T16:17:00.012-05:00

It's not right to boo. Nor is it ok to criticize your predecessors while their seat is still warm. It shows no class. However, since President Bush never once showed a shred of class while in office, why on Earth should he be shown any on his way out? President Bush was wildly booed from the Mall and his chopper was given the one hand (and one finger) salute, as it exited the District for Andrews AFB.

The image of W. flying away (for forever please!) with Barry, Biden and their hot wives waving goodbye was one for the ages. And as the helicopter left the ground, it was as though weights were removed from our collective shoulders, and spirits exorcised from our shared psyche. However, as great as that sight was, it wasn't even the best disgraced republican picture of the day.

Cheney in a wheelchair?! The official story is that Cheney hurt his back lifting moving boxes. We here at Muck Breaker have a bridge to sell anyone out there who honestly believes that yarn. (Great condition!) In all probability, Cheney hurt his back trying to kickbox an orphan.

President Obama

2009-01-21T14:52:00.003-05:00

Those words in the headline still sound foreign. But, yesterday at around 12:00 noon, Barack Hussein Obama took the oath of the highest office in the land. On a chilly day, with nearly two million people on hand to witness it, Obama became our 44th President.

And on the steps of the Capitol building built by slaves, America took a broad step in bridging the racial divides that keep us apart.

Appointments

2009-01-15T12:09:00.007-05:00

For the most part, Barack Obama has done a good job with his cabinet appointments. Eric Holder will make a fine attorney general, and has just this morning gone on the record as saying that 'waterboarding is torture.' Picking Rahm Emanuel for chief of staff showed that the administration had balls, and that 'fucking around' would simply not be tolerated. Picking Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State showed the same thing, except with bigger balls.

Then there's Timothy Geithner, Obama's pick to head up the Treasury. It turns out the man chosen to fix the broken economy owes around $30,000 in back taxes. But it doesn't end there. Geithner also broke the golden rule of cabinet appointments: Thou shall not have hired illegal immigrants in the past. Didn't Clinton already go through all this with his Attorney General search in 1992? Was Geithner not paying attention? Geithener, it appears, will move through to confirmation. Bill Richardson, however, wasn't as lucky.

Obama has also come under fire for his choice of Leon Panetta as CIA director, and his retaining Bob Gates as Secretary of Defense. The Gates move is tricky cause on the one hand it's a dumb move. Obama made a name for himself by bashing Bush and his Iraq war. And now the first thing he does is keep Bush's number one man in Iraq. But on the other hand, it's a very smart move. Iraq's a mess. Obama himself used to refer to the Iraq war as a bus that had crashed into a ditch. Changing SecDef's at this point would probably only achieve partisan goals.

Eh-Dorable!

2009-01-15T11:11:00.006-05:00

YOU GUYS! Canada is making a mix tape for Barack Obama! The project is being called 49 Songs from North of the 49th Parallel. By going to CBC Radio's website you can help vote on the 49 songs from a list of 100.

It's not clear if you have to prove that you are Canadian on the site by some sort of passport verification or making an iced-hockey wrist shot, but it's open til tomorrow, so go for it.

There's no Broken Social Scene on that ballot, so it's really not even worth voting. However, it remains a very cute gesture by our northern neighbors.

Oscar Grant

2009-01-13T15:59:00.007-05:00

by Pugach

As Inauguration Day draws near and the excitement surrounding our incoming President reaches a fevered pitch, there is a strange rumbling in Oakland, CA. Two months ago, when Obama took the election, the scene in Oakland was not much different. A predominantly black community, that has endured some of the worst social and economic hardships this nation has ever seen, was rejoicing. Those feelings of hope and inspiration, however, were dashed in an instant, leaving an entire community in disarray.

A few hours into 2009, hundreds of revelers were filling BART trains headed away from a popular Oakland party spot. There was a disturbance on one of the trains and a group of young black men were removed from the train at a stop in East Oakland. Transit police engaged the group, attempting to subdue them and make arrests.

One of the men, 22 year old Oscar Grant, who by most accounts was trying to act as a peace-maker, was thrust against a wall and choked by police. He could be heard saying, "Please don't tase me, please don't shoot me. I have a daughter." A few moments later, police had Oscar on his back and were attempting to subdue and cuff him, when one of the officers pulled out his gun and fired a single round. The bullet passed through Oscar's back, ricocheted off of the ground and passed back through his lungs, mortally wounding him.

Last Wednesday was Oscar's funeral. A group of a few hundred protesters who had gathered near the train station where Oscar was killed had turned toward downtown Oakland and rioted for several hours destroying cars, stores and public property; clashing with police. The last time there were this many people in the streets of downtown Oakland was, you guessed it, November 4, 2008.

We are just a few days away from one of the most historic days of our lives. Millions of Americans, including this muck breaker, will watch with tears in their eyes as a black man is sworn in as President. Few of us thought that we would see such a momentous occasion in our lifetime. And while we can marvel at how far we as Americans have come, let's not forget how far we have to go. The true face of injustice rears its head in the clash between the haves and have nots; those with guns and the authority to use them and those without. The cops, judges, lawyers and politicians of all levels still rule this country. A black man in the highest office does nothing for Oscar's four year old daughter, and Oscar's murder should serve as a stark reminder at how fragile our American condition truly is.

More Like Failout: Auto Edition

2009-01-08T15:30:00.012-05:00

In keeping with its recent tradition of giving money away, the United States government, and her elected officials, recently heard the case of the failing automobile industry. And after a few days of procedural foreplay, Uncle Sam paid (put) out.

It still remains a mystery how this could have happened to the Big 3. It seems 25 years of corporate mismanagement, suffocating Unions, a tragic love affair with the SUV, and an industry-wide disregard for environmental and consumer trends has led the Big 3 down the road to financial ruin. By bailing out Big 3, the federal government is essentially putting a band-aid on a hatchet wound. Buick and Oldsmobile aren't exactly inspiring brands. Adding federal funds only serves to sicken an already dying breed.

But what's really lost here, besides billions in American tax dollars, is innovation. Why take a chance on a new auto technology when the old way will probably just get bailed out again in 15 years (or months). By pumping cash into a Stone Age business plan, the American government (and taxpayer) are basically salting the game of any up and coming auto industry entrepreneurs, who may bring with them a fresh perspective and approach to a century-old industry. It's not as though had the Big 3 failed, people would have stopped buying cars. Telling the Big 3 to 'beat it' would have been a tough call. It would have cost politicians some votes. But it would have been the right call.

So long, flying cars. See you in my dreams.

The Curious Case of Rod Blagojevich

2009-01-07T12:55:00.010-05:00

When Barack Obama was elected President of the United States, it fell to sitting Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich to fill his vacant Senate seat. But Blagojevich, determined not to lose out on a quick buck, offered to sell the seat to the highest bidder. However, instead of cashing in, Blagojevich was just arrested. US Attorney, Patrick Fitzgerald described the corruption as "the most staggering crime spree in office I have ever seen."

And it didn't end there. It was further alleged that Blagojevich pressured the Tribune Company, parent company of the Chicago Tribune, by threatening to withhold state funds in connection with the sale of Wrigley Field unless certain members of the editorial board who were critical of the governor were fired. Political strong arming? Suppression of first amendment rights? Baseball? And have you seen this guy's hair? It defies logic.

And now, amid cries for his resignation, whispers of recall, and preliminary impeachment procedures, Blagojevich has appointed Roland Burris to replace fellow black guy Barack Obama in the Senate. Because, why not? And going one step further, wouldn't Burris have to be a retard to accept this? Oh and the Senate is refusing to seat him. This should end well.

Still want to be President, Barack? Don't forget there is still nationwide economic hellfire to quell. Oh and Israel may have just started a war.

Good luck, buddy.

Here's Looking at Shoe

2009-01-07T12:10:00.006-05:00

On December 15, Muntadar al-Zaidi, changed the course of a seemingly normal press conference and threw not one, but both of his size 10 shoes at occasional President, and all around numbskull, George W. Bush.

Muntadar has been in prison ever since. He could face up to 15 years in jail. He has more than likely been tortured. ("Tell us where the other shoes are! Tell us!") He's 29, and it's safe to say that his career as an Iraqi journalist is pretty much over. It's reasonable to assume that old Muntadar may never gain "access" to another important press conference ever again. Some have hailed him as a hero, while others have regarded him as a retard. Love him or hate him, Muntadar al-Zaidi certainly did capture the moment.

Truthfully, we will probably never hear from Muntadar al-Zaida again. But we'll certainly always remember the time that Iraqi guy threw both his shoes at Bush. I couldn't tell you what Tommie Smith or John Carlos (68 Olympics Black Power guys) are up to. And nobody even knows the name of the kid who stepped in front of the tanks at Tienanmen Square in 89. But the images stick with us. Call it momentary bravery or temporary insanity. But in these instances, these individuals went against standard operating procedure and listened to their gut, while the rest of us were left shaking our heads in disbelief.

Muntadar al-Zaidi, if it weren't for that black dude getting elected President of the United States, we'd hail you as our Person of the Year. But he did. So you're not.

Good luck in Iraqi jail, bro.

Did You Miss Me?

2009-01-07T12:04:00.004-05:00

I missed you. Originally, Muckbreaker had agreed with the Internet gods to only publish through Election Day. But with impending inaugurations, recent shoe-throwers and the ongoing saga that is Rod Blagojevich's hair, we just had to come back. It is our aim to publish 3-5 stories a week, and we'd all be pleased as punch if you'd drop in and check on us now and again. Agreed?

Let's never fight again.

Now What?

2008-11-05T02:22:00.008-05:00

It's over. And in case you didn't catch the final results, it was a blowout. Barack Obama mopped the floor with John McCain, winning by well over 100 electoral votes, and nearly 6 million in the popular vote.

If just 3 years ago, in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, anyone had suggested a black President in 2008, they would have been laughed out of the room. Hell, in January of 2008, Vegas probably wouldn't have given you very decent odds either. But, last night, in voting booths across the country, Americans overwhelmingly transcended their preconceptions on skin color and middle names, and choose the man they feel can best deliver change to Washington, DC. And throughout the world, America is once again seen as that land of hope and opportunity, where surely anything is possible.

But now what? Ok, Barack. You did it. You proved us all wrong. You ran an amazing campaign. You inspired millions. Now what?

America loves you, Barack. That's for sure. But this honeymoon is going to end real quick. If people don't start seeing results, and quick, your administration could be doomed... not to mention the legacy of your historic campaign. If the politics of usual infiltrate your White House, then you will be no better than the do-nothing politicians you railed against. Our nation is in a mess, Barack. Bush left a heaping pile of shit for you to clean it up. In a way, McCain's got to be happy to turn this job over to you.

So what do you got, Barack? Please tell us there is some steak to all of your sizzle. Please tell us you are going to roll up those sleeves and deliver on at least some of those amazing speeches. You don't have to answer that now. Get some rest. Enjoy it, Barack. You've earned it. But when you wake up tomorrow, just know that you have got your work cut out for you.

No Fucking Way!

2008-11-04T23:03:00.003-05:00

Tonight at 11:01 EST, FoxNews, of all people, called the election for Barry Barack Obama.

And in related news, apparently anything is possible. No fucking way!

I Think I'm Tripping Right Now

2008-11-04T22:47:00.004-05:00

will.i.am is being beamed into the CNN newsroom right now from Chicago.

And on top of that, I'm pretty sure a black guy just won the election.

Carry Me, Ohio?

2008-11-04T21:27:00.003-05:00

MSNBC, and now CNN have called Ohio for African-American Senator Barack Obama.

In other news, Ohio resident, and all around douchebag, Joe the Plumber remains an irrelevant dicktard.

Barry Pwns Pennsylvania!!1

2008-11-04T20:41:00.004-05:00

Battleground state, and potential McCain-camp back breaker, Pennsylvania appears to have gone in the column for Barack Obama. If this holds true, the math will get very difficult. However, Obama has yet to take a state away from the 2004 Republican column.

So it's still close.

Ballot Cast

2008-11-04T18:33:00.005-05:00

At a little after 6 p.m. on November 4th, 2008, I cast my presidential vote for a black man, who actually has a shot at winning this thing. Hey, America. Wow!

America, you have shocked me before. Joe Millionaire, Biggie Fries, Tanya Harding, Snakes on a Plane, that jilted astronaut who wore diapers. Man, I swore I've seen it all. But a black guy? President? Well, I'll be John Brown.

Also on the Ballot...

2008-11-04T13:04:00.006-05:00

There's more to this election than some white dude running for President against some dude who is only half white. There are ballot initiatives all over the land. And these initiatives, depending on your opinion, will either undermine or enhance our democracy.

In Massachusettes, there is one initiative against dog racing, and one initiative for sensible marijuana policy. So let me get this straight... You are allowing weed smoke, but no dog races? Well there goes my Spring Break! Hey, Massachusettes, you might as well ban peanut butter, but not jelly. Christ.

In other ballot initiatives, three states are considering anti-choice measures, while fives states are voting on whether or not to outlaw the gay. The gay, which may or may not have infiltrated all 50 states, (not to mention those queens in American Samoa), is only being evaluated legally in Arkansas, Florida, Connecticut, Arizona and California. Wait. California? California can't outlaw the gay. California is the gay. Isn't the state flag of California a picture of two gays with an adopted Asian baby?

Honestly. Google "California state flag" right now and tell me you don't see a same-sex couple with an adopted Asian baby. Nice try, California.

Currently

2008-11-04T10:56:00.004-05:00

No tallies have been released. I've done 20 pushups, but have yet to hold down solid food. What I really need is an exit poll and a Bloody Mary.

It's over tonight, right?

Just to Recap

2008-11-04T10:37:00.004-05:00

This link will take you through the bulk of this long and tedious campaign. I wish I could say some tipster sent it to me, but really, I just saw it on a buddy's Facebook page.

Thanks for letting me scam your page, bro!

Today Is the Day...

2008-11-04T08:47:00.003-05:00

It's finally here. November 4, 2008. Before the polls in DC opened at 7 a.m., voters were snaked around the block. And throughout the country, pundits expect turnout to be huge today, as the rest of the world sets their focus to us. Can you smell that? That's the sweet smell of democracy wafting across the plains. That's freedom!

Will it be a blowout? Will it be too close to call tonight? Will there be riots? Does anyone know a decent drinking game?

As a Side Note....

2008-11-04T08:41:00.003-05:00

I'd like to wish a Happy Birthday to my sister, Lizzy.

Aside from teaching me about hip hop and drinking games, Lizzy is one of the main reasons the terrorists will never win. Happy Birthday!

Hippies Give Out Free Ice-Cream, Hate America

2008-11-03T19:43:00.004-05:00

Leftist, Jewish Ice-Cream pushers, Ben and Jerry are offering free, presumably dosed, ice cream tomorrow from 4 - 8 p.m.

Take this offer at your own risk. One lick and you'll probably be kicking your shoes off, grooving out to some 19-minute wandering jam, looking to score a parking lot burrito.

Filthy hippies.

Have Some Math

2008-11-03T19:28:00.003-05:00

In about 24 hours polls will begin to close on the east coast. And as of now, depending on which poll you read, there is anywhere between 8 - 13 toss-up states. The remaining 37 - 42 states are considered safe bets for their respective candidates. But the toss-ups will likely determine the outcome. As of now, it appears that McCain must not only win the bulk of these toss-ups, but he must also take a blue state out of Obama's column in order for his math to reach the enchanted number of 270 electoral votes.

According to many experts it appears that Pennsylvania is the intended target for McCain's camp. And, it appears these experts may be right. During the waning days of the 2008 election, McCain has spent the bulk of his time and money in the Keystone State, banking on it leading him to victory. Though, even with a Pennsylvania win, the Obama camp can still take the day. McCain, however, can not boast the same.

Big Game Tonight

2008-11-03T17:06:00.004-05:00

The winner of the Washington Redskins last home game before the Presidential election has accurately predicted the winning candidate 17 of the last 18 times. Basically, if the Redskins win, the incumbent party stays in power. So, in keeping with our endorsements, Muck Breaker is officially backing the Steelers tonight in Landover, MD.

The one time this rule didn't apply was... in 2004 with President Bush. God damnit, Bush! I mean, honestly, is there anything you didn't screw up?

Pack Your Shit, George!

2008-11-02T23:59:00.008-05:00

No matter the outcome of this week's election, one thing is for certain: George W. Bush has got to pack his shit and get the fuck out of town!

That's right. By this time Wednesday, the hopeless child President, who butchered both the Constitution and the English language, will have to pack it in. Regardless of tomorrow's outcome, he will have to to gather his flightsuits and near beer, and head back to Crawford.

It's last call, buddy. You know the drill. Time to go. The history books are leaving you a pretty hefty bar-tab, pal. (Second only to the tab you leave our grandchildren.) But not even all of your daddy's connections, (or all of Cheney's bird shot), can get you out of this one. Your legacy will not be spared it's due wrath.

So do us a favor, George, and don't let the door hit you, where the good lord split you. Oh, and take your buddies with you, too.

48 Hours to Go

2008-11-02T23:45:00.003-05:00

In a little more than two days, we will have a new President. The candidates are delivering their closing arguments. The volunteers are making their last calls. The cable news men and women are gearing up for a big night. And this blogger is freaking the fuck out!

Will I lose my mind in the next 48 hours? Will I be able to sleep or hold down solid food? Check back in for more updates!

In the Tank - The Case Against McCain

2008-10-31T12:45:00.009-04:00

"Candidate McCain of the past six months has too often seemed the victim of political sorcery, his good features magically inverted, his bad ones exaggerated." - The Economist

John McCain is one of the greatest American heroes this generation will ever know. He has made countless sacrifices to his country, and served as an exemplary legislator. However, the 2008 campaign has shown the American people a different John McCain. We have come to know an ill-tempered, pessimistic, nasty old man who is spiraling toward irrelevance, with almost no discernible solutions on how to make this country great again. John McCain is not fit to serve as President.

In an effort to become President, Mr. McCain has sold out nearly every shred of his once unimpeachable integrity. Employing the tactics, and disciples of, Karl Rove, Mr. McCain has attempted to unleash on his opponent the same politics of fear that undid his own promising bid of 2000. Mr. McCain seems almost allergic to offering his own solutions to the many problems our nation faces, and instead opts to speculate on who his opponent had coffee with 10 years ago. He has campaigned towards people's fears, employing robocalls to broadcast his tawdry message. Mr. McCain has dubbed himself as a "maverick" for his willingness to go against party lines to accomplish what is right. However, in this race, he has only moved further to the right, hoping to rally his reluctant base, all the while alienating the center he used to so comfortably occupy.

And perhaps the most garish example of his rightward trend has been his selection of Sarah Palin as his vice-presidential candidate. Having previously met the Alaska Governor a whole two times, McCain felt confident putting her one 72-year-old heartbeat away from the most important job in the world. Palin has shown herself to be incapable for this position (namely by not being able to define this position). It stands to reason that Mr. McCain chose Mrs. Palin on account of her gender (tapping into potential Hillary holdouts) and her positions on right-wing hot button issues like abortion (tapping into his reluctant base). It is clear that he did not chose Palin with America's best interests at heart. It was a Hail Mary, a shot at the end zone, and it has backfired miserably. Not only has Palin become a liability in this campaign, at times it has appeared that she is running a separate campaign from McCain.

Mr. McCain has shown that he will stop at nothing to get elected. His pursuit of this highest office in the land has led him away from the core values and integrity that once made him great. He has run on the platform of "Country First." Mr. McCain's track record leads us to believe that he would put the 'country first,' but his candidacy leads us to believe that he'll get around to this prioritizing just as soon as he gets elected.

In The Tank - The Case for Obama

2008-10-31T10:32:00.009-04:00

"A man who started with no money and few supporters has out-thought, out-organised and outfought the two mightiest machines in American politics—the Clintons and the conservative right." - The Economist

We here at Muck Breaker strive to be as impartial as possible. But after 21 months of campaigning, 4 debates, 2 conventions, and a million talking points, we have finally winnowed down our support to one candidate we believe will best serve our nation for the next 4 years. That candidate is Barry Barack Obama, the next black President of the United States.

In four short years, Barack Obama has gone from relative unknown to political juggernaut. He has raised more money than any previous candidate, with the most sophisticated fund-raising apparatus since Reagan. He has inspired millions of voters domestically, and given hope to our addled allies abroad. Mr. Obama has withstood relentless attacks on his character and past, and in response only elevated the conversation, and by extension the electoral process. In the spring, when Hillary Clinton called into question Mr. Obama's relationship with Reverend Wright, Obama did not hide from the story, but instead delivered the most inspiring speech on race in America since Dr. King had a dream. When both Clinton and McCain endorsed a 'vacation' on gas taxes, Obama instead suggested a 'vacation' from backwards energy policy. He has withstood countless attacks on his character, associations, religion, family and even citizenship with the cool demeanor of a man who is clearly fit to lead.

However, it is on the issue of the Iraq invasion, where Mr. Obama not only made the right decision at a time when almost nobody else did, but also displayed the character necessary to occupy this most-important office. By opposing the unjust invasion of Iraq, Mr. Obama took a wildly unpopular stand, at the risk of wrecking his young political career. Back in 2003, in the Illinois State House, Mr. Obama was asked to cast his vote, and in the opinion of this publication, he cast the right vote. At a time when politicians, journalists, and citizens as a whole were afraid to ask questions or speak up, Obama did. He did not fall in line with Bush's prerogative... as Mr. McCain did. As Mr. Biden did. As Mrs. Clinton did. Barack Obama did not. He stood up and did what was right. It may be one decision. It may be one vote. But it suggests wisdom, and it displays courage. The next President will face countless, unforseen obstacles over the next four years. It is incumbent upon the American people to elect someone who has the temperment to handle them. What Mr. Obama may lack in experience, he certainly makes up for in judgement. After all, the last administration boasted buckets of experience. It was judgement that they lacked.

Is Obama a Socialist?

2008-10-29T17:53:00.006-04:00

We all know that Barack Obama is a secret Muslim elitist who wants to paint the white house black, only after giving out free abortions to all illegal gay immigrants, and getting sworn into office on a copy of the Koran. We know that. There's no point in going over all that again. But is he also a Marxist? Is he going to redistribute the wealth? Will my land, property and family be seized and given to welfare mothers and crack addicts once he's elected? The short answer is: 'Yes, most likely.'

But the long, nuanced (read: elitist) answer is: 'Absolutely not. What are you, retarded?' All administrations, be them republican or democrat, redistribute wealth. It's how we have roads, armies and schools. The notion that some Stalinist proletariat is going to rise next January under an Obama administration is ludicrous. The truth is both candidates voted very recently to redistribute wealth. Only it wasn't to the common man or woman, but to the dumbshit bankers that ushered in the current financial crisis we find ourselves in.

USA! USA!

Negative Press

2008-10-29T09:58:00.004-04:00

A recent study conducted by the Pew Research Center indicates that John McCain is receiving far more negative coverage than his opponent, Barack Obama. Liberal media bias aside, it may be helpful to examine why this might be happening.

For one, the reason McCain is getting so much negative coverage is because he's run a pretty negative, downright nasty campaign. He's accused Obama of teaching sex education to kindergartners, palling around with terrorists and being a Marxist. At Palin's rallies, supporters have shouted out "Nigger," "terrorist," "he's an Arab" and "kill him." But what's worse, she's never said a word to quell that kind of filth.

And we all know about the young McCain supporter in Pittsburgh, who carved a "B" into her face. What you may not have heard was that instead of looking for the facts in this clear case of race baiting 11 days before the election, McCain and Palin called this little liar themselves. And even worse, McCain's camp in Western PA fed local news outlets this story before a formal police report was ever processed.

Furthermore, McCain is just not running a good campaign. By most accounts, and clearly no votes have been counted (or stolen) yet, McCain is going to get whooped. He's alienated his own party and left down-ballot candidates throughout the country up shit's creek without a paddle. Staunch republican pundits from George Will to David Brooks have looked upon his Vice Presidential pick as pessimistic at best. And to that end, it appears as though Palin and McCain are rarely on the same page. His house does not seem to be in order, with his running mate's sights set more on 2012 than on 11/4.

In short, McCain's run a poor campaign, marred by the politics of fear and robocalls. And that's not to say he can't still win. After all, he's running against a black dude with the middle name "Hussein." But it's no coincidence - and certainly no conspiracy - that he's getting so much negative coverage. It would be biased to cover this mess any other way.

Joe in 2010

2008-10-28T12:10:00.003-04:00

Joe the Plumber, whose real name is Samuel Wurzelbacher, is mulling over a run for Congress in 2010. Last week, Wurzelbacher told talk show host Laura Ingraham that he was thinking of challenging Democratic Congresswoman Marcy Kaptur in her Toledo area seat in 2010. "I'll tell you what, we'd definitely be in one heck of a fight but, you know, I'd be up for it." On Saturday, he confirmed his intentions in a further interview with Fox News but made clear that he has not yet had talks with Republican leaders in Ohio, who have previously said they would welcome him running.

And why wouldn't he? Aside from the fact that he's in his 14th minute of fame. Couldn't you just see the slogans now? "Rooting out corruption!" "Cleaning out the pipes of government!" "Unclogging the drains of Democracy!"

And as long as people are announcing runs at jobs they are in no way qualified for, I'd like to announce that I too am a plumber, and a dentist, an astronaut and also a third base coach.

Just kidding! I am more than qualified to be a third base coach.

Going Rogue

2008-10-28T08:08:00.008-04:00

Sarah Palin is going her own way; going rogue. It is safe to assume that with 2008 slipping away, the Alaska Governor is fixing her (pretty) eyes squarely on 2012. Furthermore, Palin feels like she's been mishandled on this campaign, and her camp has resisted using the talking points provided from the McCain camp. "Recently, she's gone from relying on McCain advisers who were assigned to her to relying on her own instincts," said an unnamed McCain aide. Palin clearly sees herself as the next leader of the party, and is looking to get from under the stench of a presumed McCain defeat. Similarly, McCain and his camp, will look to paint Palin as too divisive, and ultimately responsible for his loss. That is assuming he loses. For the record, it is is still pretty close.

Palin has gone off message previously in this campaign with regard to Reverend Wright, battling for Michigan and robo-calls. It's amazing to think that a VP pick has gone off the reservation in this race, and it's not old Hairplugs Biden.

Flashback - 10/27/04 - Kenosha Edition

2008-10-27T13:08:00.015-04:00

There was a full moon on October 27, 2004. That same night the Boston Red Sox were poised to win their first World Series title in 86 years, up 3-0 on the St. Louis Cardinals. And I was spending my third (or fourth) night in Kenosha, Wisconsin. With a little less than a week to go before the election, I'd been sent there as part of a Get-Out-The-Vote effort. Wisconsin was a swing state, and Kerry needed every electoral vote he could get. I spent the week working the phones from the Wisconsin Education Association office, leaving messages, imploring folks to come on out and volunteer. I even got a hold of about 100 email addresses somehow, and sent blast emails with phrases like, "I know you're tired of this shit" and "go out and get hammered next weekend" peppered throughout.

I'd been a baseball fan my entire life. But I welcomed game 4 more as a distraction. I needed something - please God anything - else to watch on TV. I'd been following the race pretty closely since May, both personally and professionally. By late October, I'd become a junkie for cable news; an addict feigning for the newest poll, the latest math. And personally I was a complete wreck, with a girlfriend on either coast, and my sanity lost somewhere in the middle. I remember hearing Gillian Welch's "Look at Miss Ohio" for the first time in my rental car that week, and feeling as though it came close to summing up what I felt. Going to Kenosha seemed like the perfect opportunity to dive head first into the process and out of my own head space.

In Kenosha, I figured I'd at least have a chance to be active. I could do something. I wouldn't have to sit back in liberal San Francisco and watch it all unfold with the other hippies. I could do my part in a state that could very well have determined the outcome. And while John Kerry didn't necessarily inspire, my hatred of Bush seemed to outweigh all other emotions. The man had wrecked our country in ways that would have never seemed plausible if portrayed on a movie screen. He acted with the careless swagger of a rich boy who never faced a single consequence in his life. He'd stolen the 2000 election, and as penance dragged us remorselessly into an unjust war, with seemingly no end in sight. He had to pay. This was not merely an opportunity to elect John Kerry. This was an opportunity to get rid of that dumb fuck the history books would later refer to as George W. Bush.

And my animosity was no longer reserved for just him, but for all those who supported him. This was no longer an election. It was personal. This was an all-out culture war, and they were winning. Even in Kenosha, with the polls leaning, inching, toward Kerry, there was no way to tell who stood where. Even at the Brat Stop, where I watched the first innings of Game 4, I couldn't predict with any certainty which lever these cheeseheads would pull the following Tuesday.

When the check came it was only the fifth inning, and having a sink full of iced Amstels at the hotel, I decided it best to head back to the room and watch the game from there. Three Amstels and two personal calls later, at a little before midnight, the Boston Red Sox were somehow champions of baseball. I opted out of watching them pour champagne on each other and switched over to Fox News for the latest polls. "Jesus Christ! New Jersey's in play now? Maybe Hawaii too? This is going to throw everything off! And were the Red Sox really champions? Was that part dreamt?" It just didn't add up. Too much information, coming way too fast. Nothing would be the same again. Nothing would ever make sense.

Pants on Fire!

2008-10-24T13:49:00.006-04:00

Beginning last night the blogosphere has been aflutter with the story of Ashley Todd, a 20-year-old from Texas, who is volunteering in Pittsburgh for McCain. Ashley Todd reported to local officials last night that she was mugged by a "tall black man," presumably named Barack Obama. According to Todd, she gave the mugger roughly $60 in cash. But, when the assailant noticed the McCain bumper sticker on her car, he proceeded to knock her to the ground and carve a "B" in her face.

Only one problem: She made the whole thing up.

The police, presumably secret Muslims themselves, found inconsistencies in Miss Todd's story. Namely, the ATM she claimed to be at showed no video footage of her there at the time in question. Eventually, the elitist Pittsburgh Police force requested Miss Todd to submit to a polygraph test. And while the results of that test have not yet been revealed, Miss Todd herself confessed to fabricating the story shortly thereafter.

What could possibly be gained from a fair white girl getting accosted by a tall black man becoming a national story? Why would anyone make such a story up? And furthermore, how could a story like that possibly alter the current political climate?

She should have carved a C.

An Above Ground Pool Full of Crazy

2008-10-24T10:55:00.004-04:00

Republican bigot, and all around hottie, Marcia Stirman has caused quite a controversy this week over her letter, "Why I'm a Republican," that was published in the the Alamogordo Daily News in New Mexico. This letter can be found here, and presumably at Klan meetings throughout the lower 48. CAIR, America's largest Islamic civil liberties group, has asked the GOP to repudiate the letter as the hateful piece of trash that it is.

Do yourself a favor and read the letter. It starts off a little batty, but by the end, the crazy literally jumps off the page.

Hey, toots, I think you want that hand turned a little bit more palm-down, if you know what I mean.

Shopping Spree!

2008-10-23T11:19:00.009-04:00

The Republican National Committee has spent a small fortune making-over Sarah Palin and her family. According to Politico, the Vice Presidential nominee has run up tabs at Neiman Marcus, Barneys and Saks to the tune of $150,000.

There should be some sort of scandal here, as she's on the same ticket with that crotchety old man who won't shut up about wasteful, government pork-barrel spending. But, the reality is, she's on a national stage. And as the expression goes, 'you don't dress for the job you have, you dress for the job you want.' So that's fine. That's not really that big of a deal.

What is a big deal, however, is Palin's interpretation of the role of the Vice President, as laid out by the Constitution. In an interview with Univision's Jorge Ramos, Palin said (while wearing a totally kick-ass, red leather jacket) that being Vice President is a great job to have, because one "can really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes that will make life better." Unfortunately, there is no stipulation in the Constitution for the Vice President to have any hand in policy-making. The Vice President is the "presiding officer" of the Senate, and is essentially granted the authority to break a tie when the chamber finds itself deadlocked. That's it. It's one thing to dress for the job you want, but shouldn't every applicant at least know a little something about the job they want?

But, in Palin's defense, this is a post-Dick Cheney America, where a Vice President can act, and legislate, and shoot old men in the face, however he or she sees fit.

What a maverick!

Seriously?

2008-10-21T13:53:00.006-04:00

Barack Obama is rooting for the Phillies in the upcoming World Series. However, a couple of days ago, at a rally in Florida, six members of the Tampa Bay Rays came out to support Obama. Obama was so touched by this, he had this to say: "I’ve said from the beginning that I am a unity candidate, bringing people together. So when you see a White Sox Fan showing love to the Rays, and the Rays showing some love back – you know we are on to something right here.”

Earlier today, John McCain called Barack Obama out on this apparent flip-flopping. Speaking to a crowd of factory workers at a manufacturing plant in Pennsylvania, McCain said, "It’s pretty simple really. When he’s campaigning in Philadelphia, he roots for the Phillies, and when he’s campaigning in Tampa Bay, he shows love to the Rays. It’s kind of like the way he campaigns on tax cuts, but then votes for tax increases after he’s elected." (Oh my god! Burn!)

The Obama campaign had this to say: "Senator Obama said he’s rooting for the Phillies. Yesterday he said nice things about the members of the team who came out to support him, but that doesn’t change the fact that Tampa Bay bounced his White Sox out of the playoffs.”

Sarah Palin, upon hearing that Obama is a White Sox fan immediately began linking him to disgraced outfielder, Shoeless Joe Jackson. When pressed how Obama could possibly have any affiliation with a ballplayer who died 10 years before he was born, Palin politely reminded reporters that you can see Russia from Alaska.

Oh, and for the record, this is retarded.

Not Bad

2008-10-20T15:29:00.004-04:00

Governor Sarah Palin made an appearance on Saturday Night Live this weekend on both the opening as well as Weekend Update. And, well, she didn't do half bad. The episode drew 14 million vieweers, the best showing for “SNL” since 1994.

Palin was able to stand in there and take a few shots from the likes of Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin and the entire cast of SNL for that matter. Her performance wasn't groundbreaking; it wasn't Janet Reno Dance Party. But she didn't do poorly. She didn't fumble. And for the McCain camp, that's got to feel like a victory.

Powell Endorses Obama

2008-10-19T13:44:00.003-04:00

What had been speculated for weeks, became official this morning on Meet the Press. Former Secretary of State, and all around kick-ass American, Colin Powell crossed party lines and endorsed fellow black guy, Barack Obama. Powell said that the junior Senator from Illinois offers a “calm, patient, intellectual, steady approach” to the nation’s problems.

Powell, who considers McCain a close friend, couldn't reconcile the negative tenor the Republican campaign had taken on in recent weeks. “I thought that was over the top,” Mr. Powell told reporters. “It was beyond just good political fighting back and forth.”

Funny. The attack ads seemed to be working so well.

You Decide!

2008-10-16T12:21:00.003-04:00

The picture below is too good for words. Or too good for ours, anyhow. So, we here at Muck Breaker put it to you! Please help decide what is the most appropriate caption for this picture, by leaving your suggestion in the comments field.

(Note to our older readers, please feel free to request assistance on how to "leave" "comments.")

The Third and Final Presidential Debate - Liveblogging

2008-10-15T20:00:00.035-04:00

8:58 - Almost time for the third and final presidential debate. Robbie ate too many of his fries up front, and now can't finish his falafel. Mine's gone. Beers have begun to be drilled.

9:00 - Bob Schieffer is our moderator tonight at Hofstra University in Hempstead, NY. Subject is domestic policy.

9:02 - The candidates come to the stage. Schieffer suggests 'no talking points.' Terror washes over the faces of both men.

9:03 - McCain gets the first question about his new economic plan. He answers by saying that Nancy Reagan is in the hospital. He's done this before. He says hello to Senator Obama, but doesn't look at him. He seems tired.

9:05 - Obama's answer suspiciously avoids any mention of Nancy Reagan. (Who is the real Barack Obama?) Middle class this, end corporate tax break that.

9:07 - Bridget's here now. She mentions that Barack's getting a little more gray. Robbie thinks Barack looks like he's always about to get a cold. I think Barack speaks like he's got indigestion. "McCain's totally constipated. Poor guy." - Robbie

9:08 - McCain now retorts Obama's answer, speaking directly to a plumber in Ohio, named Joe. Joe wants the "American Dream." Apparently Obama is opposed to this. McCain is now looking into the camera, speaking directly to Joe; pledges to float him the cash to buy said (plumbing?) business. Joe can even stay in one of McCain's many houses.

9:09 - "Apparently he's been watching too many McCain ads." - Obama. Crowd laughs. Burn?

9:10 - Obama now mentions "Joe the plumber." Tonight's revised debate topic: Joe the plumber.

9:11 - McCain mentions "Joe the plumber" again. Twice. "Joe the plumber" count: 7

9:12 - Joe the plumber has now been said, and I'm not kidding, 9 (NINE!) times.

9:14 - Obama wants to eliminate insurance subsidies... or senior citizens. Either way.

9:16 - McCain mentions what "we did" back in the Great Depression. He remembers cause he was alive then. (I'm saying he's really old.) Schieffer kindly reminds McCain to answer the question about what programs he would cut as President.

9:18 - McCain mentions something called "porkbarrel spending." I'm intrigued to learn more about this porked barrel spending. Why would McCain wait til the third debate to bring this up for the first time?

9:19 - "Maybe he's not constipated. Maybe it's gas. It looks likes he's fighting it." - Bridget.

9:20 - "Senator Obama, I am not President Bush. If you wanted to run against President Bush, you should have run 4 years ago." - McCain. Burn!

9:21 - Girlmate's home!

9:23 - Barry is all 'look, dog. My bad if I mistake you and Bush. You two are like twins, or whatever.'

9:24 - McCain mentions that he has scars.

9:25 - Schieffer wants to know about the negativity in the campaign's ads; baits them to say it to each other's face. They decline.

9:27 - McCain mentions that Obama has spent more money on negative ads than any other candidate in history. That's cause he's got money, son! Get Money! Get paid!

9:28 - Barack maintains that 100% of McCain's ads are untrue.

9:30 - McCain is upset that Obama is attacking his policies. Crimea river, dude.

9:31 - Joe the plumber mentioned again! "Isn't his last name 'six-pack?'" - Girlmate. She just came in.

9:32 - Obama wants to know why Palin didn't interrupt crowd members from calling Barry a 'terrorist' and saying 'kill him.' Fair point, Barry.

9:34 - Obama would also like to point out that he does not, in fact, 'pal around with terrorists.' Wait! Oh my god! Has anyone ever noticed that Obama's name is really close to Osama? Wow! Kind of makes you think, you know?

9:35 - KNIVES OUT, GLOVES OFF. ACORN brought up. Ayers dragged out.

9:36 - Barack says ok, you want to talk about Ayers, let's talk about Ayers. Obama condemns the actions of Ayers, but reminds McCain that he was 8 at the time.

9:37 - Barack wants to clear the air about ACORN now. Getting very elitist with all these 'facts.'

9:38 - When McCain says my campaign is about 'getting the economy on track,' and not about pointing out Obama's associations, Barack openly laughs.

9:40 - The topic is now VP picks, and how the country would be better off if they had to serve as President. Barry gets asked first, but oh man, can you not wait to hear McCain's answer? Barack says how Biden's a really good guy, but you gotta know he's just drooling to hear McCain's answer to this.

9:41 - Quick poll: Will McCain's answer on Palin's readiness to serve as President relate to his time as a P.O.W.?

9:42 - McCain says that Palin is a role model to women. Bridget and Girlmate both puke. McCain says she's a reformer. Presumably a reformer somewhere pukes. McCain wants to bring her in to sweep out the old boys network, which McCain presumably is a part of.

9:44 - Obama is now asked if Palin is qualified to be President. Let's see you tap dance your way around this one, Hopey.

9:49 - Obama says that because we produce 3% of the world's oil, but consume 25% of it, we can't 'drill' our way out of the problem. This math seems elitist. Did Obama not consider that the problem could be solved if we simply 'drilled, baby, drilled' our way out of it? Presumably, not.

9:51 - McCain compliments Obama's eloquence, but it's most likely back handed. I'm pretty sure McCain also mentioned that Barack is also a great dancer, though not necessarily a strong swimmer.

9:53 - We're all bored to tears over here. "Porkbarrel, my friends, POW, earmarks." - McCain. "Change, hope, energy policy." - Obama. "BORING!" - All of us.

9:54 - Obama says the automakers are getting hammered. That makes three of us. Drill, baby, drill, Robbie! Am I right?

9:56 - McCain compares Obama to President Hoover. "Who is Herbert Hoover?" - Bridget. "I don't know, but he sounds black." - Robbie.

9:58 - McCain again suggests that we should put medical records online... you know... except for McCain's medical records. (We'll keep repeating ourselves as long as you do, John.)

9:59 - Joe the plumber is mentioned.... AGAIN!

10:00 - Robbie's McCain impression sounds suspiciously like the Monopoly guy.

10:02 - Joe the plumber mentioned two more times. The count may be 12, maybe 13. There's literally no way of knowing.

10:03 - Joe is mentioned four more times.

10:04 - In between mentions of Joe the Plumber, the candidates are talking about healthcare... maybe. Wait. Joe the plumber mentioned again.

10:07 - Roe v. Wade is the subject. I wonder what Joe the plumber would say about abortion. Oh god. That might be inappropriate.

10:08 - McCain is suddenly pro-life. He just said "Breyer" when he meant "Alito." Big whoop.

10:09 - Obama is pro-choice. His answer is thoughtful, balanced, and suspiciously free of talking points. Answer is lost on millions of Americans.

10:12 - McCain calls Obama 'pro-abortion.'

10:14 - "Dude. Nobody's pro-abortion." - Obama.

10:16 - Schieffer asking his last question. Thank god.

10:18 - Obama answers a question about education, and has yet to mention "Joe the plumber."

10:20 - McCain's answer on education mentions civil rights, New Orleans, as well as the troops. Take that, liberal media!

10:21 - "President Bush enacted No Child Left Behind, but unfortunately the money got left behind." - Obama. BURN!

10:23 - Obama says that someone's gotta pay for all these programs.

10:24 - McCain's going on and on about vouchers. Says 'reform' a bunch of times. Amazing that he hasn't said 'maverick' or 'my friends' yet. Amazing.

10:25 - RedTom's here. It's about time, RedTom. Grab a beer, dude.

10:27 - "My friends" mentioned almost 90 minutes in. This blogger feels like he can finally breathe again.

10:29 - Obama would like everyone to remember that we can't afford four more years of the same failed policies. Mentions this word "change."

10:31 - The closing handshake was maybe the most awkward moment since the Nixon/McGovern handshake/backtap/halfway-hug debacle of '72. McCain said, "Great job" four times in a row. Thank god this is over. Bridget and Girlmate are clamoring for Gossip Girl, and I'm beginning to see their point. Goodnight, folks.

On the Attack

2008-10-15T12:43:00.004-04:00

A widening divide exists within the McCain camp, as to how whether or not they should hit Barack Obama on the issue of Reverend Wright. "Wright is off the table," said one top campaign official. "It’s all McCain. He won’t go there. His advisers would have gone there."

Reverend Wright, and Obama's association with him, was the cable news topic dujour for about a month this spring. But then Barack Obama stood up in Philadelphia, and gave what could be regarded as one of the most inspiring speeches on the matter of race and America in recent history. Shortly thereafter, the issue went away. And now, McCain is reluctant to revisit it.

Stymied McCain advisers and other frustrated G.O.P.ers are hoping that an outside organization (think Swift Boat Veterans for Truth) will help to bankroll an effort to bring this association back to light. McCain's own Vice Presidential candidate, and all around loose cannon, Sarah Palin had this to say to the NY Times' Bill Kristol: "I don’t know why that association isn’t discussed more." Yeah, can't say why, Sarah? Because, you know, it worked so well for Hillary.

In fact, no it didn't. Obama took that sound byte of an issue head-on, back in April, and turned it into a real discourse, about a real issue that has troubled this nation since it's inception.

And the recent personal attacks waged by the McCain camp have not worked either. According to a poll released today by CBSNews/NYTimes (LIBERALS!), it has backfired on Mccain. The findings of this totally biased, presumably Jewish, liberal poll found that Obama has opened up a 14 point lead in light of these negative campaigns. Apparently, voters care more about issues, which is what they say Obama's been talking about, than they do about associations, which is what they say McCain has focused on.

Go figure.

Mickey Mouse Type Shit

2008-10-14T14:13:00.009-04:00

Today, the St. Petersburg Times reported that Mickey Mouse signed up to vote this summer in Florida. The registration form, which is most likely fraudulent (gotta be, right?), came through stamped with the logo of the nonprofit group ACORN, Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now.

ACORN has come under fire for similar allegations in other swing states of Ohio, Nevada and Indiana, to name a few. If these allegations are true, this soon-to-be-tarnished nonprofit is giving the electoral process a black eye. Furthermore, it is providing ammunition to the G.O.P., as they will surely lay the blame for this at the feet of Barack "I <3 terrorists" Obama.

This stunt, whether perpetrated by an individual or an organization, overshadows the tremendous, and legitimate, voter registration efforts that have taken place this election cycle. And to that end, Muck Breaker would like to strongly condemn any form of election malfeasance; but also concede that it is sort of funny that Republicans are so up in arms about this, especially in Florida.