Massa Schism

by Pugach

Last week a queer situation popped up involving a former New York Congressman. Eric Massa, who will be played by Joe Pesci in the upcoming FoxNews Movie of the Week, resigned amid allegations of groping and inappropriate horseplay among his male staffers. However, Massa contends that the main reasons for stepping down are his battle with non-Hodgkin Lymphoma, but more importantly a general sense of ‘go fuck yourself’ from House Democrats after Massa deviated and refused to vote along party lines on the Health Care Bill.



Allegations have surfaced that Mr. Massa is an avid snorkeler. And by 'snorkeling' we don't mean exploring a coral reef, but rather a Navy tradition wherein a seaman is held down while a scrotum is placed over his eyes to create the image of a snorkel. Reports that the Congressman also took part in the Reverse Cincinnati Bowtie have not been confirmed.



Naturally rumors began to fly. Were the Dems pushing this guy out? Was this guy pushing himself out? Massa sought to set the story straight before the American people could feel like he was pulling the proverbial woolly hair over their eyes. Needing an outlet, Massa decided to do what any good American would do, he headed into Fox News to go face to face with professional baby eater, Glenn Beck. What followed was one of the most jaw dropping hours of television in history. Massa went into long diatribes about “Caligula”-like traditions in the Navy, massive tickle fights and lewd texts amongst staff, even a story about a bare-assed Rahm Emanuel shoving his finger into Massa’s chest during a tense and steamy shower scene. Never before has a democracy so closely resembled the homoerotic bromances of Ancient Greece.



However, because this was Glenn Beck, the interview had to circle back to Health Care and how this was all a plot by the Democrats to muscle him out. But Massa would not bite. He went on with his nonsense, much to the dismay of Beck who was clearly shocked that he was not in the company of a like-minded individual that refused to fall in line with the President. And while this encounter didn't go the way either party scripted it, at least they have one thing in common: a good teabagging.