Rush Delivery

by Candice Wu

When asked recently about where he’d receive his upcoming heart transplant if Congress passed health care reform, noted drug addict, Rush Limbaugh stated, “I don’t know. I’ll just tell you this, if this passes and it’s five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented—I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica.” That's a smart move given Costa Rica’s life expectancy surpasses that of the United States. And many hackey-sacking socialists — in the US and abroad — attribute this to Costa Rica's [gasp!] socialized medicine. In an effort to hold Rush to his half-thought, drug-addled proclamations, the website A Ticket for Rush has emerged to remind him of his soundbite'd promise.



A Ticket For Rush, celebrating its fourth day online, has already gathered over $2,500 for a one-way, first class plane ticket (and potentially living accommodations!) for the big boy to fly to Costa Rica. If Limbaugh turns down the ticket, all proceeds will go to his favorite organization, Planned Parenthood. Limbaugh, after grabbing hold of this news as if it were a bottle of OxyContin, announced that he’d need more than $1,400 for a bottle of wine on that baby-blood fueled plane. Hell, we may need to load up on even more wine to lower his blood pressure, since we don’t want his heart to give out before he experiences socialized health care.



Let El Rushbo know that you are so proud of his selflessness to contribute to a government-run health care system, or just remind him that's he a bloated, loud-mouthed reject, by emailing him at ElRushbo@eibnet.com.

Yes He Did

In what is being hailed as a major victory for baby killers and commies, Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi were somehow able to pass the once thought dead health care legislation. The Health Care Reform bill, which was more than likely written in Kenyan, marks a tremendous victory for the first-term (Muslim) President, albeit one with significant political consequences.



For example, even though nationalized health care was first introduced by Richard Nixon and Bob Dole in 1974, modern day Republicans have railed against nearly every element of this bill and are promising swift political retribution for its passage. Few of these measures have worked, but House Republicans remain confident that the newest tactic, holding their breaths until Harry Reid is tarred and feathered, will pay handsome dividends.



The biggest loser in all of this is the American economy. With these sweeping socialist overhauls, there is almost no way that America's economy will be able to compete with those of China and Western Europe. In a way this bill will provide Americans with health care, but in another way it will provide Americans with a sickle and hammer. And before you know it, comrade, we'll all be living on communal farm factories, sustaining on trail mix and enhanced yogurts, singing songs of our Dear Leader in between 13-hour shifts in the fields.



The bottom line is that the government cannot and should not be trusted to do anything. Period. Ever. There's almost no historical example of them ever getting anything right. Health care will be no different. But don't take our word for it. Look for yourself. Take the bus down to the library and look through all those fancy books. And then come up with one - JUST ONE - example of them ever not being totally hopeless.

Massa Schism

by Pugach

Last week a queer situation popped up involving a former New York Congressman. Eric Massa, who will be played by Joe Pesci in the upcoming FoxNews Movie of the Week, resigned amid allegations of groping and inappropriate horseplay among his male staffers. However, Massa contends that the main reasons for stepping down are his battle with non-Hodgkin Lymphoma, but more importantly a general sense of ‘go fuck yourself’ from House Democrats after Massa deviated and refused to vote along party lines on the Health Care Bill.



Allegations have surfaced that Mr. Massa is an avid snorkeler. And by 'snorkeling' we don't mean exploring a coral reef, but rather a Navy tradition wherein a seaman is held down while a scrotum is placed over his eyes to create the image of a snorkel. Reports that the Congressman also took part in the Reverse Cincinnati Bowtie have not been confirmed.



Naturally rumors began to fly. Were the Dems pushing this guy out? Was this guy pushing himself out? Massa sought to set the story straight before the American people could feel like he was pulling the proverbial woolly hair over their eyes. Needing an outlet, Massa decided to do what any good American would do, he headed into Fox News to go face to face with professional baby eater, Glenn Beck. What followed was one of the most jaw dropping hours of television in history. Massa went into long diatribes about “Caligula”-like traditions in the Navy, massive tickle fights and lewd texts amongst staff, even a story about a bare-assed Rahm Emanuel shoving his finger into Massa’s chest during a tense and steamy shower scene. Never before has a democracy so closely resembled the homoerotic bromances of Ancient Greece.



However, because this was Glenn Beck, the interview had to circle back to Health Care and how this was all a plot by the Democrats to muscle him out. But Massa would not bite. He went on with his nonsense, much to the dismay of Beck who was clearly shocked that he was not in the company of a like-minded individual that refused to fall in line with the President. And while this encounter didn't go the way either party scripted it, at least they have one thing in common: a good teabagging.

Patterson Will Not Run Again

In a turn of events that he could not have possibly seen coming, New York Governor David Patterson won't seek re-election. Patterson has been plagued as of late with charges of corruption, cronyism and coercion.



Governor Patterson now has the unique distinction of being the guy who couldn't do a better job than the guy who had sex with high-priced hookers while his socks were still on.



When told of the news, similarly disgraced democratic governor Rod Blagojevich said, "Bro, we should get an apartment together... Maybe some kind of reality show or something."

Washington, D.C. Is Gay for the Gays

Today, Washington, D.C. officially came out of the closet, handing out marriage licenses to all interested gay couples. By 9 a.m., there were 60 couples holding signs that read "Love Wins!", waiting to legally commit to one another. With this, D.C. joins Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, New Hampshire and Massachusetts in exhibiting common sense, as well as in extending decency to its citizens.



However, not everyone is so gay for the gays. Namely, the organization Catholic Charities has made it clear that they will not extend health insurance coverage to any new spouses of employees. This move is seen as an attempt to avoid paying health insurance for newly married gays.



When reached for comment, Catholic Charities said, "Why do you care so much about the gays, huh? Maybe YOU'RE gay too!"

More Like Bummer

In what is a sure sign that we as a nation will be ordering arugula salads in French with our legs crossed sometime soon, iconic auto brand Hummer has ceased production. With Hummers no longer coming down the line, it is not clear how men will compensate for inadequacy. When reached for comment, an area man with E.D. said, "Hey! You should see how big my plasma is!"



The Hummer brand originated from military use, but enjoyed tremendous commercial success between the years of 1999 - 2005 in what is commonly referred to as America's "Go fuck yourself, environment, common sense and rest of the world" phase of consumer trends.



And while gender breakdowns were never applied in real-time market research, it is estimated that men enjoyed Hummers more than women. For most married couples, it is believed that getting a Hummer was typically more the husband's idea. And now - just like that - new Hummers are completely off the table.

Scott Brown Is Deducted 1,000 Sexy Points

This week, silly Scott Brown actually voted for a piece of commie, left-wing, death panel "job creation" legislation and will therefore be stripped of his Sexy King of the Senate crown. The $15 billion piece of legislation aiming to create jobs passed the Senate by a vote of 70 - 28 with 12 other Republican Senators voting 'yea.'



Aside from no longer being "World Champion Sexy," Scott Brown must now also face the ire of his agitated electorate who expected him to obstruct every piece of Obama's agenda. If Mr. Brown has any hopes of getting re-elected, he must now construct a pipe bomb made from copies of "Atlas Shrugged" to be detonated at the nearest Planned Parenthood.