Speaking truth with power.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

DC Comes Out for the Gay

The D.C. Council voted 11 to 2 today in favor of a bill that would legalize gay marriage. However, since D.C. exists in some political nether region more akin to Guam than any other parcel of the continental 48, the proposal must pass through 30 days of legislative review from the House, Senate and President before it can become law. Local church groups promise to completely spoil the party and fight this bill however they can.

The Catholic Church, by way of the local archdiocese, has gone a step further. And in an effort to be rendered completely irrelevant, has promised to cut off all social services to the District of Columbia, including homeless shelters and adoption services, if the bill becomes law. It's estimated that 68,000 people will be told to go fuck themselves by the Catholic Church if Adam and Steve get registered at Crate and Barrel.

And that makes sense. Cause if there's one thing Jesus Christ always said, it was: "Thou shall kick all homeless people to the curb if ever it becomes the will of the people to let two dudes get married. Orphans, too." It's in the Bible, people. Somewhere towards the back of the book. Look it up.

Connecticut Senator Opposes Health Care

Connecticut Senator, and known virgin, Joseph Lieberman told Meet the Press this weekend that he would oppose health care legislation in its current incarnation. Lieberman, who has never had sexual intercourse, cites concerns over a Medicare buy-in as his primary objection to the lofty legislation. This news is especially jarring to Senate Democrats as Lieberman represented the prized '60th' vote to securing passage of the bill.

The only problem is 3 months ago Lieberman actually was in favor of the Medicare buy-in. "By allowing citizens who are not eligible for Medicare or Medicaid to buy in for a rate below the private market, the government can extend coverage to more of those who are currently uninsured," he said. The Senator then went on to say, "If only I could finally experience the loving touch of a woman, then maybe I could make good on my word and stop being such an insufferable douchetard."