Speaking truth with power.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

More Like Bummer

In what is a sure sign that we as a nation will be ordering arugula salads in French with our legs crossed sometime soon, iconic auto brand Hummer has ceased production. With Hummers no longer coming down the line, it is not clear how men will compensate for inadequacy. When reached for comment, an area man with E.D. said, "Hey! You should see how big my plasma is!"

The Hummer brand originated from military use, but enjoyed tremendous commercial success between the years of 1999 - 2005 in what is commonly referred to as America's "Go fuck yourself, environment, common sense and rest of the world" phase of consumer trends.

And while gender breakdowns were never applied in real-time market research, it is estimated that men enjoyed Hummers more than women. For most married couples, it is believed that getting a Hummer was typically more the husband's idea. And now - just like that - new Hummers are completely off the table.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Scott Brown Is Deducted 1,000 Sexy Points

This week, silly Scott Brown actually voted for a piece of commie, left-wing, death panel "job creation" legislation and will therefore be stripped of his Sexy King of the Senate crown. The $15 billion piece of legislation aiming to create jobs passed the Senate by a vote of 70 - 28 with 12 other Republican Senators voting 'yea.'

Aside from no longer being "World Champion Sexy," Scott Brown must now also face the ire of his agitated electorate who expected him to obstruct every piece of Obama's agenda. If Mr. Brown has any hopes of getting re-elected, he must now construct a pipe bomb made from copies of "Atlas Shrugged" to be detonated at the nearest Planned Parenthood.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Re: Stack

Last week Joe Stack gassed up his plane and flew it right smack into a federal office building in Austin, Texas. The impact killed Mr. Stack, as well as an employee of the IRS, while injuring over a dozen more. Mr. Stack left a 3,200 word manifesto online, vilifying the IRS and the complicated tax code, though hardly explaining why such drastic measures were needed.

So how come this joker hasn't been labeled a terrorist? Where are the mouth-breathing throngs of flag-waving 'Mericans calling this an act of terror on Obama's watch? For instance when the Crotch Bomber tried to blow up Detroit, conservatives went so far as to say Obama and Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano were asleep on the job. Yet, it seems the same critics that jumped on the Crotch Bomber story to decry Obama's national security credentials have now gone silent. Only this time, people - Americans - died. So what gives? Isn't our safety our safety? Aren't our enemies our enemies? Liberals say that because Mr. Stack personified the tenants of the Teabaggers, the conservatives aren't so keen on calling attention to the tragedy.

Truthfully, there could be any number of reasons for this. But let's be honest. Mr. Stack is white. And as we all know whites can't be Muslim, and therefore cannot perform acts of terrorism. That's in the Constitution, and, most likely, the Bible too.