Speaking truth with power.

Monday, September 29, 2008

More Like Failout

Yesterday, on Capitol Hill, (once known as Jenkins Hill), the neas took down the $700 billion bailout package by a 228-205 spread. Both parties were quick to point fingers and lay the blame squarely on the other side of the aisle. Meanwhile, up on Wall Street, the Dow took a dump to the tune of a 777 point loss.

There are many reasons this bailout didn't pass yesterday. For one, these clowns are all up for re-election in a few weeks, and not about to put the American people's best interests above their own continued employment. It wouldn't be smart, politically speaking.

And even if they did have the American people's best interests at heart - which they don't - it's not as though they could do much to fix the broken economy. For you see, our elected officials are morons, and therefore can't fix much. These guys couldn't fix a boxing match. Hell, I'd be shocked if they could fix me a drink.

But, on a day full of ineptitude and all around douchebaggery, one individual stood above the rest. Meet Jerry Weller (R-IL). Jerry didn't even bother to show up and vote yesterday. Good one, guy. This was maybe the most crucial piece of legislation since the PATRIOT Act, and you were on the golf course? I think everyone can agree that no matter who foots the bill for this bailout, that Jerry here should at least lose his job.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Liveblogging - First Presidential Debate

9:01 - Debate's about to get started. I've got the Mets game on the other window of this laptop, seven Coronas, and am thinking of calling for Thai food. Oh man, here comes Jim Lehrer. He just said McCain's name, so he's probably showed up. Candidates make their way to the stage. Here comes the handshake.

9:02 - Girlmate confesses she's more excited for the VP debates, and I'm inclined to agree.

9:04 - The format was slated to be about foreign affairs. But Lehrer's first question is about our economy, cause basically our economy affects the whole world, and recently it's gone to shit. Barack answers first to say, "Every one's been talking about Wall Street, but I want to talk about Main Street." McCain knows both streets, of course, as he owns a house on each.

9:06 - McCain responds by giving a shout out to an ailing Teddy Kennedy. Also cites this Main Street.

9:11 - Barry mentions "Main Street" again.

9:13 - McCain also mentions Main Street again. But neither candidate will take Lehrer's bait to fight one another.

9:16 - McCain calls out Obama on his penchant for earmarks and pork-barrel spending. He shows Lehrer a pen that he will use to veto earmarks. He promises that he will publish the names of these wasteful pols, and make them famous. And if you're wondering where you've heard this stump before, it was the Republican convention and every speech McCain's given since.

9:18 - Obama agrees that earmarks are bad, but corporate tax cuts are worse. He backs this up with, presumably elitist, math.

9:22 - McCain's first use of the phrase "my friends."

9:23 - Obama says that 95% of Americans will get a tax break in his administration. So apparently he's a Republican now. The candidates switch podiums.

9:25 - First sight of McCain's smug, angry grin.

9:28 - Obama wants us to be independent on foreign oil in 10 years. Because in ten years time, Iraq and Venezuela will no longer be foreign lands. (USA!)

9:30 - McCain says for the 28th time that we need to cut spending. Says Barack is so far to the left that it's hard to reach across the aisle. Burn.

9:32 - David Wright makes a great catch on a hard hit line drive down the 3rd base line. Oh wait....

9:34 - Obama says, I'm only so liberal cause Bush is so crazy(!).

9:35 - McCain proposes a spending freeze on everything but defense, entitlement and veterans. Nice try, McCain, but you should read your history books. Veterans will be the first to get their funding cut. Always.

9:36 - Thai food arrives.

9:38 - John McCain has spent his entire career fighting spending. How did I not put a pool together on times "spending" was used. Just called himself a maverick.

9:40 - Lehrer head fakes a question to McCain about Vietnam that is actually about Iraq. McCain says we 'badly mishandled' the war, which I believe means we handled it well, cause that's a double negative.

9:42 - Barry mentions, in case you didn't know, that he has always been against the war in Iraq.

9:48 - McCain implies Obama was against troop funding. Obama illuminates the details of McCain's talking point, and makes it clear that they are both for troop funding, and that the time-table was the issue.

9:50 - Issue has shifted to Afghanistan. Barack is getting all smart with his fancy insight and elitist facts.

9:52 - McCain responds regretting the mistake made by leaving the Afghan freedom fighters alone after helping them drive out the Russians, proving once and for all that he's totally read "Charlie Wilson's War" and at the very least seen the movie.

9:54 - McCain says Barack shouldn't say publicly that he wants to bomb Pakistan. He definitely doesn't say we shouldn't. But he repeats now that we shouldn't 'say' it.

9:56 - Obama says McCain sings songs about 'Bombing Iran,' a great reference to McCain changing the lyrics to the Beach Boys song "Barbara Ann" to "Bomb Iran." Burn.

9:58 - McCain mentions a bracelet a mother in New Hampshire gave him.

10:00 - Obama: "I've got a bracelet too."

10:02 - McCain's face is getting super angry. Way angrier than before. May have busted a blood vessel. Probably has new face cancer.

10:04 - McCain suggests creating "League of Democracies." Super Friends soon to be contacted. Possibly the Harlem Globetrotters too.

10:10 - Obama mentions how McCain won't meet with the President of Spain.

10:12 - McCain: "I'm not gonna set the White House visitors schedule before I'm president. I don't even have a seal yet." BURN!

10:20 - The two candidates bicker over Russia and Georgia, as Americans burn Lehman shares to heat their homes. NOBODY CARES!

10:26 - 9/11 question! 9/11 question! Candidates agree. 9/11 was bad, and shouldn't happen again.

10:32 - Apparently we haven't caught Osama bin Laden yet, and Obama (my God those names are similar) won't shut up about it.

10:34 - McCain just compared Obama to Bush. Yeah, you just read that.

10:36 - In literally the last minute of the debate, John McCain mentions how he was a prisoner of war. (John McCain was in Vietnam? Is that true? That'll have to be Googled.) If you had 10:36 in your "John McCain would mention his time as a P.O.W." pool, then you're the big winner!

And, if you wanted to hear anything of substance tonight, well then, sorry.

JK! Debate's On

It appears Senator McCain was 'just kidding' and will, in fact, debate Barack Obama tonight in Oxford, Mississippi.

The economy, however, appears to remain broken.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


Today, speaking in front of two draped American flags, John McCain rose above political pandering and hollow posturing to announce he was suspending his campaign for President. (Drama Queen!) He vowed to return to Washington immediately to help solve the economic crisis that his aides alerted him was currently taking place.

And despite the fact that McCain has been criticizing Senator Obama for not agreeing to weekly town-hall debates, he sought to cancel their first debate, scheduled for this Friday. The crisis demanded immediate action from the Senators, he said...

Either that, or he's a total pussy, and doesn't want to get whooped in a debate by Barack.

Later in the day, standing in front of his own set of American flags, Barack Obama rejected McCain's call to delay the debates.

“This is exactly the time when people need to hear from the candidates,” he said. "Part of the president’s job is to deal with more than one thing at once. In my mind it’s more important than ever.”

Senator Obama eventually agreed to meet with John McCain on Thursday at the White House so President Bush could brief them both on the financial crisis firsthand.

Wait? Bush is still President? Isn't he in Crawford? Or Kennebunkport? Or Camp David? He's actually in DC? No kidding. That would explain why earlier tonight, almost as a matter of course, the goofy child President came out of seclusion and sheepishly addressed the nation. "Our entire economy is in danger,” he said.

Well, you don't say, Mr. President. Did somebody just wake you up? You sure you don't want to sit this one out? This could get hairy, sir, and to be honest, you look like you've been drinking again.

But if you are going play this down, why not give it to us straight. We can handle it.

You're saying we might be in trouble? Eight years of tax cuts, outrageous concessions to literally anyone in the oil or credit card industries, alongside two simultaneous wars, all the while never asking a single American (who isn't enlisted) to make a single sacrifice, is not conducive to sustaining a healthy economy? Are you sure? You seemed so blindly sure of this for all of your time in office. And now, with about 40 days left in office, you're telling us we're screwed? Really?

One follow up question, Mr. President. Are you wearing lipstick?

Sarah Palin Goes to the Upper East Side

Yesterday, Sarah Palin, the most experienced politician in American History, became even more experienced by actually meeting with foreign leaders near the United Nations in New York City. She met with Afghan President Hamid Karzai and Colombian President Alvaro Uribe, as well as former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. Sarah Palin did not, however, meet with the press.

The McCain camp has been insistent, and at this point at least consistent, in keeping Sarah Palin away from the press. And yesterday was no different. Sure she met with major international players, but the press was allowed little to no access. It's amazing that there are even photographs available. And it begs the question, why if she is the most experienced politician of all time, would it matter if some hack from the Post were to grab a few quotes for the morning edition?

The McCain camp refused to answer this question, saying that John McCain and Sarah Palin were late to a polo match. Reports also indicate that later in the evening the two of them would be having dinner with clients where they'd eat escargot. Slippery little suckers.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Snatching Defeat From the Jaws of Victory

In a campaign that has already survived undermining from the likes of Clintons, Bill and Hillary, as well Reverends, Wright and Jackson, Barack Obama can now add Joe Biden to this distinguished list of occasional dumbshits.

In August of this year, Muck Breaker promised there would be speaking gaffes from the Democratic VP candidate. And for the most part, he's delivered, albeit quietly. We all remember when he implored Senator Chuck Graham to "stand up and let the people see you." Of course Senator Chuck Graham is confined to a wheelchair. "Oh, God love you," Biden cried a moment later. "What am I talking about?"

We're not entirely sure, Joe.

But that misstep was nothing compared with his recent work. Out on the campaign trail this week, Joe Biden contradicted Senator Obama's stands on both coal power and the AIG bailout. He even told Katie Couric that he found an ad from the Obama campaign "terrible." Incidentally, the Obama campaign is also the Biden campaign. But why bother Joe with semantics this late in the game?

When reached for comment about this, Obama said privately, "Why does it seem like I get the most flak from my own party?" He went on to say, "Guys. Please. I'm trying to run for President here."

Friday, September 19, 2008

Fundamentally Speaking

Earlier this week, the sky directly above Wall Street came crumbling to the ground. With the bankruptcy of Lehman Brothers, the discounted sale of Merril Lynch, and the federal bailout of AIG, fear has been on the rise. While it is somewhat 'neat' that we Americans now own a stake in an insurance giant (USA! USA!), the stakes of the Presidential race have been radically altered.

On Monday of this week, John McCain told a crowd of supporters in Florida that 'the fundamentals of our economy are strong.' When pressed about this seemingly retarded, I clearly didn't pick up a newspaper this morning, statement, McCain backpaddled and said he meant the workers - or "the voters" - were strong.

McCain, as well as Sarah Palin (a.k.a. the most experienced politician in American History) have been hitting the stump ever since, vowing to clean up Wall Street. This does, however, contradict sharply with McCain's almost career-long track record of deregulation, and favoring to allow the market to sort itself out.

When questioned about this, the McCain camp reminded members of the media that the Senator had spent five and a half years in a P.O.W. camp, and therefore was plenty qualified to fix the economy, or leave it alone, or anything else that will get him elected.

And while this may seem off-topic, now that we as a country own this insurance company, can we maybe extend coverage to the 40 million uninsured Americans?

Nah, I'm just kidding. That would be six types of crazy, and at least two parts Commie.


Thursday, September 18, 2008

Barack Obama Is the Mayor of Brazil

In Brazil - where the waxing counts - politicians have taken advantage of a little-known loophole which stipulates that candidates may run under any name they so choose. As many as six (6) candidates throughout Brazil, running for various offices, have opted to run as..... Barack Obama.

It's not clear, however, if this strategy will work. There is nothing to suggest that making up a fake name, or pseudonym, gets anyone anywhere. These candidates would be wise to fake the popularity and platform of Barack Obama, but maybe not the elitist, secret Muslim part.

Come to think of it, all those parameters are probably too long to fit on a ballot line. Better to take the good with the bad. Barack Obama it is... for Brazil anyway.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Let's Take a Look at the Big Board

The big day is about 6 weeks away. (ZOMFG!) And even though it's going to change the lives of every American, it will probably be decided by a few million people, in a couple dozen neighborhoods and districts in 7 or 8 states. If you are lucky enough to live in Nevada, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Ohio, Florida, New Mexico or Minnesota, then congratulations! Your vote will probably make a difference this year. These people in these neighborhoods in these states will be the kingmakers. As for the liberals in Biloxi, and the conservatives in Nantucket, better luck next time.

But hey, just remember, the new season of American Idol is only a few months away. And we can all get our vote on then.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Will the Real Sarah Palin Please Stand Up?

There were two Sarah Palins on the TV this weekend. The first incarnation was from an interview conducted by Charlie Gibson, and filmed in Alaska (where you can totally see the Russias!). This was the first interview Sarah Palin has given since being announced as McCain's running mate. ABC accurately pointed out that she's basically been rehashing her acceptance speech from the Republican Convention on stumps all over the country ever since. Here, Charlie Gibson was able to get to the meat and potatoes of who Sarah Palin really is. Here, he was able to ask her difficult and pertinent, albeit previously agreed upon, questions.

But then on Saturday night, Tina Fey returned to SNL, in the role she was born to play: Sarah Palin. Many have noted how much Tina Fey resembles Sarah Palin ever since McCain announced her as his VP. Tina Fey nailed about 90% of the impression just appearing on camera with her hair up. But with a solid (Alaskan?) accent, she absolutely crushed her impersonation of the governor.

So to recap:

Sarah Palin did ok. But, at times, she dodged Gibson's questions. She showed her willingness to endorse President Bush's failed diplomacy, even when she doesn't know what it is, or how it's defined. She also attempted to cite foreign policy experience by 'being so close to Russia you can see it.'

Tina Fey, on the other hand, performed exceptionally! She took time away from her other hilarious show (30 Rock), and returned to her old stomping ground with flying colors. She did an amazing job portraying arguably the most talked about politician of the last 30 days. And there is literally no one else on the planet who could have pulled it off any better.

Advantage: Tina Fey.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Happy 9/11!

Today, Americans from Shanksville to Staten Island momentarily guide their diminutive attention spans away from reality TV, and take a moment to reflect upon that day seven years ago when something real actually happened.

And since that day seven years ago, Americans have bravely answered the rallying call of President Bush, and returned to our shopping centers and malls, acting as though everything was normal. Marching towards the outstretched Old Navys and Orange Julius' upon the horizon, this country has soldiered on. Oh yeah, and we started a war with Iraq. But that wasn't connected, or it was, or it is now, or whatever.

Incidentally, this election, and the two leading candidates represent the divide this country has experienced since 9/11. On the one hand, we have the "We are going to fuck you guys up for doing that to us!" mentality. This "with us or against us" approach has worked in keeping us safe (unless you're a soldier in Iraq), but left us up proverbial shit's creek with less and less foreign allies to speak of, let alone a paddle. This philosophy, as you already know, has been in the driver's seat for the last seven years, and is gunning for four more.

The other side of this commemorative coin is a point of view that has been stifled for the better part of the last seven years, and dubbed unpatriotic at best. The folks on this side of the aisle will have us believe that Iraq is not actually to blame for the 9/11 attacks, and that perhaps we should allocate our resources toward those that did actually instigate this. Going a step further, they might even examine the global economic, educational and environmental inequities that provided a breeding ground for such atrocities. But if they go much further than that, they're pinkos. And all the freedom fries in the world won't save their commie souls.

No matter what lever you pull on November 4, know that both candidates intend to keep America safe. Any insinuation to the contrary is pure muck that we here intend to break.

Other than that, take a moment away from watching CNN's all-day coverage of "Oh yeah! Remember that?" and spend some time with a loved one.


Monday, September 8, 2008

This and That

There was so much to see and write about in St. Paul. There were so many speeches, and hurricanes, and lesser Baldwins, and what have you. Some things, while noteworthy, were forced to slip through the cracks. Here are a few of those things.

First scheduled stop on the crazy train is this guy's sign:

I knew Barack Obama was a secret muslim. I knew he was an elitist. But a gay? Homobama? I had no idea. But he is a Democrat, so that's at least a quarter gay right there. That's not even my opinion. That's just science. One thing this allegation does say to me, however, is that Barack Obama is prepared to lead. He's clearly not afraid to make tough decisions. Here's a man that would put the country ahead of his gay lover's life. That to me, says Country First.

Let's move on to these two:

I get the angry John McCain thing. But the Hitler doorman with what appears to be a "W" on his hat. Is that Bush? Colonel Klink? I'm lost.

By comparison these dames looked sane:

And, in actuality, they were pretty funny too. They had nicely choreographed moves and songs that parodied McCain's 'hundred years in Iraq' soundbyte. Plus, they were packing heat. So much so, that this correspondent liked to call them the "Rocket-Cock-ettes." Too much? Too easy?

This guy was classic crazy. A real throwback:

What's not pictured here is his "Vote for Jesus" sign. What you can't see in this picture is a deranged, likely homeless man screaming "VOTE FOR JESUS!" at the top of his lungs all night long. What you do see is a dope leather jacket.

In the end, this place probably had shitty pizza. But the platform speaks to me, nonetheless.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Day 4 in St. Paul - End of the Line

Tonight was last call in St. Paul. And so with no further ado to speak of, John McCain took to the stage at the XCEL Center to accept his party's nomination. A touching video montage preceded the Senator's speech, highlighting his personal life, family history, as well as a distinguished career of service. And to that point, there will be very little debate from this commentator about the integrity of John McCain. Plainly said, Senator John McCain is one of the finest Americans this generation will ever know.

However. That doesn't mean he should be the next President. And it surely doesn't get him off the hook for one of worst acceptance speeches in.... well, at least a generation. The beginning of McCain's speech was marred by consistent badgering and hecklers from a few, albeit vocal, no-good-niks. The fast-thinking delegation began chanting "U-S-A!" whenever the dissenters could be heard. But even the support of the crowd couldn't seem to get McCain back on track. His speech never took off. McCain is a notoriously bad public speaker. His style is more suited to off-the-cuff town hall settings, as opposed to the teleprompter. And in spite of the redesigned, more intimate stage that was intended to lean toward McCain's style, he still laid an oratorical goose egg here on the last night of the convention.

But as we've heard here in St. Paul all week, speeches are just that... pretty words. They don't always translate to policy, let alone results. Similarly, a fine resume doesn't always make for a suitable leader. (See Dick Cheney and his boatloads of experience for more examples of this.) John McCain is an exemplary American, with a track record that is ultimately beyond reproach. But Presidents are not elected in this country because a candidate has earned it, or because the electorate owes it to them. And surely these times and this election call for something beyond past achievements. They call for direction, guidance and judgement. Accolades, no matter how honorable, will simply not suffice. (Ditto pretty speeches.) After all just because a man could be President, doesn't necessarily mean he should be.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Day 3 in St. Paul - Who's That Lady?

Day 3 in St. Paul brought us a few blasts from the campaign trail past, as well as America's introduction to the most experienced politician in our nation's history, Sarah Palin.

Mitt Romney was the first big speaker of the night. The former governor, and bizarre underwear owner, took to the stage, and really tried to impress upon the crowd that he looks a lot like Ronald Reagan. Oh! And that John McCain is totally capable of being President, even though old Mittens kind of hates the guy, and vice versa. Romney implored the crowd to elect John McCain in order to "keep pornography out of our schools." Because, you know.... that's the main problem facing this country. One thing for certain, however, is Mitt Romney remains a silver haired-sideburned hunk, who is more than a little bit dreamy.

Next up on the 2008 Republican Primary Season Greatest Hits tour was old Mike Huckabee. Huckabee came out swinging, taking shots at Madonna and her outfit changes, and praising Elvis Presley and how popular he is. But the relevance didn't stop there. Huckabee reminded the primarily older, white, pro-life crowd, that John McCain and Sarah Palin were Republicans, and they were of the Party that cared about the sanctity of all human life.... unless of course that life is from New Orleans.

Oh and it didn't stop there. Because you couldn't have a night of rehashing old candidates for the Republican nomination without old Rudy "Did you know I was the mayor of New York City during 9/11?" Guiliani. Rudy came out on the attack for John McCain and Sarah Palin. He got the crowd all fired up by reminding the crowd that two Senators such as Obama and Biden have ZERO executive experience. He didn't seem to couple in John McCain's lack of executive experience in his tirade, but that's cool. Rudy also got quite emotional when defending Sarah Palin. He got downright misty-eyed when saying that if a man were running for office the media wouldn't question how he'd handle the duties of family. Rudy mioght as well have thrown one fist in the air and cried out, "Where my sisters at?" Because once again, he solidified himself as America's greatest champion of women's rights. One thing suspiciously missing from the former mayor's speech was mentions of "9/11." Rudy only said it once. Once. Suffice to say I was once again defeated in my word usage pool, with the over/under set at 4, and this commentator staying with the over. Standing on the convention floor, I could have sworn I heard Rudy shout "9/11! 9/11!" where most speakers say "God Bless America." But those allegations could not be confirmed.

But the boys were not the reason anybody's talking today. The boys were not the headliner of the night. The true higlight of Day 3 was Vice Presidential nominee, Sarah Palin. The governor of Alaska took to the stage and introduced herself to the American people. She apologized for not meeting us sooner, but unfortunately was just so darn busy being experienced. And in her speech, the lady from the frosty north came out with her guns blazing. A self-described pitbull in lipstick, Palin went after the experience of Barack "secret Muslim" Obama as a community organizer, (whatever that means). She spoke to the crowd about how she's the one with executive experience, and how she's the one who has cut big government in her small state. Palin mentioned firing her chef and selling the former Governor's private jet on eBay. (eBay?! My god! She's adorable!) Sarah Palin also took on those hacks in the liberal media and let them know she doesn't really care what they think of her. Sarah Palin isn't in this race to win their favor. Sarah Palin is in this thing to help the American people. So there!

In all honesty, Sarah Palin crushed this speaking engagement. For somebody who was relatively unknown two weeks ago, she took to a national stage, proving both humorous and effective. Sure there was more ham, than real meat and potatoes. But at the end of the day, this crowd was ecstatic, and the Republican base was no doubt energized.


You probably never thought you'd be reading this, but boy oh boy have the celebrities come out for the GOP here in St. Paul. Jon Voight, Dennis Miller and Joey Pantoliano have been in the house. As has Ron Silver (from a little film called "Timecop") been all up in here. And there were even reports that this correspondent was going to take Stephen Baldwin out on the town tonight. (Honestly. This was actually discussed in the war room.)

Will this parade of celebrities ever stop? (Hint: Yeah, probably.)

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Khamo - The Fear of Being Found Out

(Author's Note: Khamo = Khaki + Camouflage)

I've spent the last three days trying desperately to fit in here in St. Paul. Since Monday morning, I've been saddled up at a work station right in the belly of the goddamn beast. Off the convention floor for most of the work day, I'm holed up in the communications command center for the Republican National Convention Committee; their war room. There are 75, incredibly well-dressed, very beautiful, fiscally conservative, young Republicans working the phones, screaming at the top of their lungs, and working all day long.... And then there's me. Even dressed as preppy as I've ever been, I still stick out like a sore thumb in this room, in this town. There's no use in even trying to hide it. Sure, I'm wearing khaki pants, and tucked-in button-down shirts. But these kids have bowties, pearls, and collars that are just begging to be popped.

Day 1 was ok. Hurricane Gustav and the Immaculate Conception of Bristol Palin kept these young beautifuls busy enough not to notice me. But Day 2 was something completely different. I waited outside the war room to discuss something with my contact, when a young woman from Politico began handing out illustrated posters of the 2008 Republican Convention. I had seen one the previous day, and said, "Hey those are great! Mind if I grab one?" She obliged. "These really are great," I continued. "I wish I had one from Denver. Then I could have the whole set." When suddenly from my flank, a very tall, very black, very gay young man approached me, nearly shouting, "The whole set?! The whole set?! You are in the WRONG place if you want the whole set!"

Fear washed over me. I felt like the cock in the henhouse. I'd been screwing the farmer's daughter. It was time to pay the piper. And so on. He fluttered away, no doubt to be closeted and self-important elsewhere.

And the day marched on. At around 5 p.m., incredibly tan Senator John Ensign came into the war room to rile up the workers.

And about an hour after that, it was Lynn Swann rallying the troops of the war room. Lynn Swann, who along with Mike Steele, and my attempted outer, made up the three Black Republicans I could confirm at this twisted party. Lynn Swann was also the intended receiver on the fabled Immaculate Reception play in December of 72 against the Raiders. Not at all to be confused with the Immaculate Conception cited above.

Later on in the night, during the video tribute to old TR, the young beautifuls in the war room got chatty.

"Could you believe what Al Gore said? Comparing Obama to Lincoln?"

"Ooh! Look at me! I'm such a celebrity!"

"The whole thing just feels very anti-christ."

Anti-christ? It's one thing to call him a secret Muslim, elitist, (which let's be honest, he probably is). But the Anti-Christ?! Sweet mother of god! That couldn't have been said. It's been hard enough keeping my mouth shut in this room, but how could I possibly wipe the 'are you shitting me' look off my visage now? I needed to get out of there. I needed to stretch my legs, and breathe some fresh air. Credentials in hand, I made my way down to the Convention floor just in time to hear old Smoking Joe Lieberman take to the stage. The only thing worse then hearing him speak was coming to grips with my surroundings and the full magnitude of this collection of people. They were everywhere. If I thought I was outnumbered before in the war room, then what was this? The entire convention was now bearing down on me; an entire city full of the well-connected enemy. I may have been the Wolf in sheep's clothing. But these little lambs were drunk on their own self-congratulations, and more than likely belonged to the N.R.A.

I somehow managed to slide through the crowds unharmed, and made my way back to the war room to finish up the night's work. At around 11 p.m., the day was done... for me anyhow. I caught a cab back to the Embassy Suites, and bellied up to the lobby bar for a cheeseburger and 3 Budweisers. I wanted to get my mind off of things. I wanted to get to the sanctuary of my room, where I could draw the curtains, be myself, and, at least tepidly, let my freak flag fly. I signed the bill, and headed to the elevator, where three older female delegates from the State of Maryland were boarding. I'd guess they were all at least 60 years old. They were going to floor 5, and I kindly requested 6. At 5, the first two exited, followed by the third, who spun around before the door closed, and in her sequent hot pants, funny red, white and blue hat, and McCain/Palin regalia, said:

"You know there are drinks being poured in 525?"

Thanks for the kind offer, mom. But I'm afraid my fraternizing is through. I didn't get this far in the day just to fall prey to the old Chivas Statue of Liberty play.

Thanks. But no thanks.

Day 2 in St. Paul - Knives Out

With Hurricane Gustav fading away, the Grand Old Party got right back into the swing of things here in St. Paul on Tuesday. With an exciting lineup that included such scintillating headliners as Joe Lieberman and Fred (OMG) Thompson, the Republicans were surely in for a big night. Laura Bush even came back out on the stage, introducing her husband, and occasional President, George W. Bush.

Apparently the relief efforts taking place on the Gulf Coast, which kept the President from appearing Monday night, had been shifted to the Rose Garden, where Bush's via satellite statement took place. The President's Watergate-level approval ratings, though, probably had nothing to do with his arm's length appearance.

But W. was just the beginning. Fred Thompson - who let's be honest was more than likely drunk on stage - also spoke. And with his classic Southern drawl, chastised the Beltway insiders and liberal media as only a former Senator and famous Hollywood actor can really do. Thompson went on to praise the pick of Sarah Palin as Vice President, saying she'd probably be the only candidate in history who could properly field dress a moose. This comment initially insulted this commentator. But Mr. Thompson quickly corrected himself, adding 26th President, and long-time friend of Muck Breaker, Teddy Roosevelt, to this list of moose field dressing distinction.

But it didn't end there. Joseph Lieberman (I-CT) took to the stage, not only to betray his party, but more importantly to talk about what a good dude John McCain is. And seeing how this correspondent didn't completely pass out at the sound of Lieberman's voice, one would have to take away that this speech was an unqualified success. Lieberman got so bold as to even praise the Clinton administration for reaching out across the aisle to gain results. The stunned audience, no doubt still confused as to how a Jew made his way to the podium, had little choice but to applaud the achievements of Bill Clinton and his administration.

However, when the name of Barack Obama was uttered by Lieberman, the crowd reacted markedly more negative. The boos were followed by hissing noises and general unrest among the collected delegates. This commentator thought it might be interesting, anthropologically speaking, to shout out the N-word in order to see how the crowd might react, but ultimately thought better of it.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Day 1 in St. Paul - Nobody's Home

Day 1 in St. Paul was not as eventful as the Republicans, or this correspondent for that matter, might have hoped. As Hurricane Gustav barreled down on the Gulf Coast, Republican planners thought it might be best not to pat themselves on the back all night long, while another potential tragedy approached New Orleans. Something about the lingering images of Federal ineptitude during the Katrina debacle that led the big speakers away from the podium here on Monday night. And in reality, the GOP not only couldn't have played it any better, they really couldn't have played it any differently.

Cindy McCain and First Lady Laura Bush took to the stage briefly and implored the delegates, and viewers at home, to do what they could to help the Hurricane relief effort. But with Gustav now downgraded to a Tropical Storm, all signs point to a full day of speakers and events on Day 2. John McCain will probably show up for Day 4, despite rumors to the contrary. The balloons lofted high above the stage at the XCEL Center will presumably fall to the stage Thursday night as the nominee makes his acceptance. And the show, most likely, will go on.

No Freaking Way!

In news that can both be described as "Seriously?!" and "You're Kidding Me, Right?!" Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin's 17 year old, unmarried daughter is 5 months pregnant. Sarah Palin and her hunky husband Todd issued a statement confirming that their eldest daughter was with child, and plans to marry the father of the baby. The statement did not go on to say, however, that two crazy kids will go on to live happily ever after. But you've got to assume that they will.

In totally related, you get what you pay for, news, Sarah Palin does not believe in contraception or sex education.

Reports indicate that John McCain knew about this bun in the oven before choosing Palin as his Veep. Furthermore, the McCain/Palin camp broke the news themeselves in response to rumors that Sarah Palin's own newborn, Trig, was actually the son of her daughter Bristol. Though as for now, these are just rumors.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Gustav v. Republicans

With Hurricane Gustav bearing down on the Gulf Coast, the Republican Convention has been radically shaken up. McCain's camp has announced cut backs on the first day, shaving down the podium schedule to 3-5 speakers, and promising to deal primarily with "business" on the Convention's first day.

There are reports that McCain may even accept his party's nomination via satellite from the site of a relief effort on the Gulf Coast later this week. Whether or not, he makes his speech in a parka, with waves breaking behind him at the beach like a Weather Channel correspondent remains to be seen.

President George Bush has also canceled his speaking engagement at the Convention on Monday, as has Vice President, and prototype cyborg, Dick Cheney. Both have opted out in order to be closer to the relief effort as the storm touches ground on the Gulf Coast. Which is probably for the best.

Because the last major storm to hit the U.S. was Hurricane Katrina in 2005. And in case you forgot, Vice President, and occasional face shooter, Dick Cheney was in Wyoming when Hurricane Katrina hit, taking in some fly fishing. And while Americans drowned and a city was nearly laid to waste, George Bush was hopping a plane to Arizona, to wish a very Happy Birthday to his good pal... John McCain.